what the fuck is it anyway?

love i mean.

is it emotion? action? both? is it supposed to be practical? irrational?

i've known love. we were together once. will we be again?

have i let go of enough love to let more love in? is that why my walls are up to my face in cynicism?

i've been broken. built up. then broken again. and then i put on my big girl panties and took control. or so i thought and just said no. to dating. to men. to possibility of love. then i fell again. so hard i broke my own damn heart. by not following my number one rule... trust yourself. i *knew* it was wrong. from the beginning. but i let myself go because i let my floaty heart take over. and now what?

it hurts to think of being in love again. because my head is forecasting the inevitable. the absolute horror of the broken heart. the one thing you wish would kill you but it never will. it will make you cry. it will make you eat more quarts of ice cream than a grocery store can stock. it will make you ache as if you had actually undergone a triple bypass. but it will never let you out of it's miserable little hands and let you just die of a broken heart. because as some say... this too shall pass.

but does it? if you break a dish... is it ever really the same? you can glue it back together but it still appears to be broken. and if you weren't the one to break it you wonder how it happened. who broke it. and usually you put it away and try to find another that is whole.

am i the broken dish? the beautiful white handcrafted dish with blue handpainted strokes... superglued but never the same. never the original. always put back in the cupboard. treasured, yes. but used? not usually.

i want to feel whole again. not jaded. or pessimistic. not cynical or realistic. not superglued.

not that a man can fix that. but if your heart, the place where your emotions and dreams and goals are stored, is broken. how does it mend? if the very thing that broke it was a man, does a man have to fix it? or do you just "get back in the saddle" and ride again and hope to God that this time... this time the ride will be a success. this time you won't fall off.

there's a saying... "you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair."

i can't decide if i'm 5 or 65. fear, doubt, despair... these are things i am all too familier with. but my faith, self-confidence, and hope have always driven me to move forward like a child. with reckless abandon they run. but now i have that little voice inside my head that is always saying... "be careful" "watch out" "don't fall" especially in love...

yeah... bye!

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.


i sure did...

a few more lessons learned

1. Sunblock.... eyelids! :)

2. No matter how many times you try to fold your thong... it will ALWAYS come unfolded so just stop wasting your time and throw it in the damn drawer.

3. If your nephew (or other small child) asks for bunny milk... do not look at him strangely... he is simply referring to milk with Nesquik.

4. Polishing your toenails after half a bottle of wine could result in painted cuticles and/or toilet seats.

5. Charter does not employ American customer service reps...stop calling back to see if you'll get someone who speaks clear English.

6. Michigan drivers will never use their turn signal at the appropriate time... therefore always assume that the person in front of you is turning right or left. It's hard but try to read their minds and steer accordingly.

But if we are the body, why aren't His arms reaching?

So I saw that guy from Korn wrote a book about his new found faith and I started posting about it on another site and had to add it here too. Personally I think it's great and worth reading. It just goes to show you that no one is out of reach of the hand of God and that finding God does not mean that you have to conform to organized religion. I read this great passage in my devotional the other day that said "There is a vast difference between devotion to a person and devotion to principles or a cause -- He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself." I love this because I am SO sick and tired of Christians believing that because they follow all the rules they are going to heaven or that by following all the rules they are showing their love and devotion to Christ. Sorry, but I can follow the rules and laws of this country and still not be devoted to the leaders. I can follow the rules at work and still hate my boss. Following rules does not equal devotion and/or love. I'm glad that Brian is speaking out about his faith in a way that will draw people in rather than make them feel like there are a huge set of rules that come along with loving God and being devoted to Him. Yay Brian!



There's this song by Casting Crowns that I *love* called "If We Are The Body" Basically it's about how Christians can be so judgemental. It's a great song. Here are the lyrics...

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is
carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

Chorus:
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road

Chorus

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ

Chorus

Jesus is the way



Yeah, I've seen it. In my own church too. I can honestly say that I've probably been guilty of it myself. I hope that whoever it was that I was looking up and down with my evil judgemental glances didn't notice. But I am willing to admit that I've probably done it. Maybe even more than once. Funny how I can't remember when or where and even *if* I've done this, but I bet I can tell you of three times it happened to me. I bet I can give you details too. Pretty sad that we don't remember being mean to someone but can remember every minute detail of when wrong was done to us. Pretty sad... pretty ridiculous! What really breaks my heart is that maybe the person or people I did that to still remember it. Maybe they even hate God because of something I did. Maybe, but I hope not. I hope my opinion doesn't matter *that* much to anyone. Especially since my opinions change as I grow.



I'm reading a pretty classic devotional right now called "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. It's the updated version. It's such a great devotional though. Everyday is one teeny page, but it packs in SO much that sometimes I have to read it over 3 or 4 times to get everything that he's trying to say. It's poignant and so completely relevant to now even though the original book was written in 1935. I think God is amazing in that way. That He can give us a standard and no matter how much technology we have, no matter what paths we follow... it still holds true for all of us. I like that God is so simple and completely complicated all at the same time. It gives me hope. Haha! Kidding.



In all seriousness, if you're looking for a devotional and you're super busy but you want something to fill you up daily without having to set aside 5 hours of intense bible study to finally arrive at a point... buy this book. It's great.

maybe i am....

jealous, controlling, paranoid, possessive, frustrated, semi-untrusting and just plain scared.



but i'm also loving, honest, trustworthy, kind, giving, caring, faithful, hardworking, beautiful, intelligent, intuitive, fun, understanding, a good listener, and trying my best to forget the past god damn it.



i can't hurry up and heal. it doesn't work that way. i feel better about you now than i did when i met you. i feel safe in your arms at night when we sleep. i feel secure in my place in your life. i feel grateful to have you in mine. so what if i miss you when you're gone. so what if i like to do things with you. yeah i get mad when you talk about all the things we can't do together because you can't "run slow, play slow, or let me win" because it's boring. i get frustrated when i just want to relax with you and cuddle and you have to call every friend to see what they're up to. i'm not sorry i ask questions. i like to be in the know. i like to have the answers no one else gets. i like the inside edition. i'm tired of being on the outside. let me in like i've let you. let me be your shoulder. let me be your rock. take down that hard wall and stop making me climb.



i love you. the way you look at me. the way you make me think. the way i feel when i'm with you. i love your intelligence. i love your blue eyes. i'm trusting you as much as i can with the information you've given me. so start talking and my trust will rise. start showing me and you'll be satisfied. stop giving me reasons to back away. stop showing me that i need to protect myself.



because i love you and i want a future with you. but we need to compromise.

i got a tattoo

shocking... i know. but it's very "me" as they say. it's pink and black. (of course) see pics in the tattoo album. i'll take a better "after" pic when i get a minute.

weak in the knees

someone pinch me.