I bet you won't complain about decorating ever again...

You know Macy's, that department store? They throw a cute little parade every year? Mmhm, if you put our living room in their furniture department, no one would be the wiser. We are fighting off the Grinch, stopping Scrooge in his tracks, even, yep, I'll say it, Martha Stewart would be proud! I haven't been home to really enjoy the holidays with my family in two Christmases. I did come home last year but it was a whirlwind circus of "Surprise! I'm here!" for 3 days and lots of driving in the snow and since no one really knew when I was coming, it was not the all out parade of giant crimson balls that it is this year.

So because I'm home and able to celebrate for longer than 72 hours, mom (or Ma Christmas) decided we needed to have a big old fashioned Christmas. In our house this means my mom dons her decorator's cap, drags twenty seven Rubbermaid containers out of the attic and before you can sing "Joy to the World" the house looks like we're related to Santa. You're thinking tinsel and candy canes and you would be wrong, my merry friends. Wrong, I say!

Let it be known that I'm a pretty good amount of pissed that my camera decided that it just doesn't feel like it anymore, meaning: the Christmas Wonderland that is our home could not be captured in its full potential and glory. But much like the Griswold's, we will press on and have the Hap-Hap-Happiest Christmas Tour since "Bing Crosby danced with Danny Fucking Kay!" (If you need assistance with lines from this movie, I am your official Christmas Vacation guide.)

Let us begin...

We have six trees. This is the first, dressed up in red and gold, masks and feathers, and my bells (which I will detail in, yet another, Christmas post). You might notice the small wreath and garland display to the left.








Complete with carolers...

Sing, girl, sing!





...and (empty as hell) stockings.



Santa? Kissing a baby? We sure do!





Did I mention we have six trees? Well, here's number two.



I did most of the work on this tree. You can tell because there are four strands of lights on it and one could probably, I don't know, perform brain surgery under it? This was an accident, I'm no Ma Christmas, so how was I to know that we would no longer need indoor lighting with four strands of twinkly lights? Ups.

This tree is pretty special though. Beyond the short bus job I did of lighting it, it's pretty magnificent and royal. It's also pink. And home to all of the Barbie ornaments one could purchase in a 10 year time span. (The back is filled with Marilyn Monroe and Cinderella, yeah, that goes together... at least they're all blonde.) Go Ma Christmas! To set the girly scene (or to remind me of Christmas past), this tree dons a gorgeous crown... from one of my marriages gone wild, or wrong, whatever.



Here are a few of my favorites:

This Little Barbie has a pre-nup,



This Little Barbie has fur,



This Little Barbie buys her own shit,



This Little Barbie steals hers,



And This Little Barbie smokes a whoooole lot of weeeeed when she gets home.



(Marilyn just wants to go wee-wee.)



Trees number three and number four are in the dining room, which is attached to the living room. So depending on where you are, they're in your room. Special, no? Looks like Ma Christmas got a little heavy handed on those there lights on tree number four. Mmhm. Sure did!





Also, we seem to have a theme. Not only are the feathers in the trees and wreaths...





...there's also an entire wreath made of them.



Ok, tree number five. (complete with banister feathers being all, "Pick me! Pick me!")





The Banister. It happens to be Ma Christmas' favorite part of the house. The feathers came from real pheasants, courtesy of some folks over in Wisconsin. Go Badgers! (and pheasants, before you become a Christmas ornament!))





See the kissing ball? And the giant crystal my sister gave Ma Christmas for her birthday? So prettiful!





Um, Kallay? What's that?



Oh! Those are just some pretty little ornaments we hung form the chandelier! See?



No, No. Not that....



Oh that!? That's just a huge elephant we moved (really heavy) furniture around for, to fit it in the dining room. Naturally!!



It lights up too!



We also have a pig... and an angry birdie next to him. He doesn't have the holiday spirit. Homie P is working on that.



And bears...



And Zebra! We love Zebras! And she loves her bow...



No, really... she does!



How many Zebras can you find in this picture?? (three)



Also, Maddie wouldn't move so, she says Merry Christmas too. Although it sounded a lot like "Eff you, mom." I don't know. She's hard to read sometimes.

Stay tuned for my cookie adventures and the story of the bells. You'll laugh, you'll cry... And then I'll tell you about my New Year's "Resolutions" and you'll cry laughing.