Tuesday, August 8, 2006

the morning after...

So yesterday, after 11 months, (can you believe that!?) It's finally final. What a relief. I won't lie though, I did have my share of wine and ice cream. I've said this about 467 times but it was definitely bittersweet. I hate divorce. It's sad and depressing and WOW does it make you look at life differently. Surprisingly though, in a better way. At least in my case. I don't know how many times I was cheated on, 7 at the last count, but it doesn't really matter. Each time it hurt less and less and each time I knew I deserved better. I became numb to the feeling and went straight into problem solving mode. I learned a lot about the kind of person that I am. That I will do anything for someone that I love, no matter what the consequence for myself. Over the years I have lost many friends and made a few enemies but I stuck to my conviction that God would help me through this mess and that he would eventually heal Stephen and free him from his addiction. I learned that I have persistance and extreme patience. I was right that God would help me get through this mess. And I was right that God will eventually help Stephen, but he has to want to be helped. When I asked God to help me get out, he did. So I can have peace that my prayers were answered and even though the one that spent ink in my journal every night wasn't answered with a resounding yes, it was still answered.

I am lucky, blessed, grateful... that I have had so many friends and family by my side to give me strength when mine was gone. I was so tired of being the strong one and always hiding what was going on behind closed doors that I had to pass the baton and let someone else hold ME up for a minute. Something else I learned about myself, I hate help. I hated having to let someone help me. I wanted to be able to do it myself, but I knew I couldn't. So I learned to be humble and ask the hardest question I've ever asked, "Will you help me?" To which my mother replied, "Finally!" in her innermost thoughts.

I also learned that while you wish your broken heart would just kill you, it won't. After the physical pain stops, the emotional pain starts to fade as well. And when the emotional pain is gone, the battle of head and heart begins. The head says, not yet. The heart says, one vacancy! Then back and forth it goes. Until one day they agree, with stipulations of course. The heart wants to love and be loved. But the head argues that it has to be someone special. The heart agrees and is floating around like a teenager with a crush. It's silly. But it feels that way.

It seems there's an order to things now. Life has a to do list. Which seems odd because I've always been a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. Always jumping at what seemed like great opportunities...and then. (thoughtful silence) I'm more cautious now which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I believe God needed me to learn this lesson for me to be able to recognize a good thing from a great thing. To slow me down before making a hasty decision.

I have goals beyond marriage and children, even though those are still on the list. I want a house, a success, a friend, intimacy (not sex), and a stronger relationship with myself and with God. My mom said it best when she said that the person I will end up with may already be in my life, but we won't find each other until I have found myself and he has found what I want him to find in me. I believe she's right. I know myself. What I want in a person, what I like and don't like, my political views, religious views, and where I see myself in life 10, 20, 30 years from now. I don't think that's what she meant. I think she meant, when I find myself with the ability to show someone all of these things and to also have something tangible to show. My mom knows I am not a lost soul searching for my purpose in life. But she knows I'm not where I want to be yet. Am I further than I was 11 months ago? Yes. Will I be close in another 11 months? Probably, but why test God? It's better to trust him. That's the most important lesson I've learned.

In the meantime though, I'm enjoying the journey. God helped me get out of the back alley and back into the hustle and bustle of Possibility. So I'm going to have fun and enjoy the walk and let Him direct my travels through the obstacles and many destinations. Because what is life really, if not a thousand destinations and one final rest?

Another great lesson to learn in all of this is to find the humor where it lies. Of course divorce is never funny. But the way out of it is hysterical. The running out of boxes when the moving truck pulls up and you still have two rooms to pack, funny. Driving across the country with your mother, a dog, and 2 unhappy cats... definitely a trip. Moving into an apartment only to find that you have a 2 bedroom house full of stuff and zero storage, humor people. Driving a stick for the first time in the snow, now THAT was funny. I was convinced my funeral was near. But seriously, the thought of dating again... that has to be the funniest of all.

who needs sleep?

Apparently not me. I can NOT sleep!!! I went to bed. Tossed and turned for almost 2 hours and got up because I couldn't stand it anymore. I hate having a to do list running through my head when I'm trying to rest. On another note, while I'm here... I joined a book club today. I bought 3 cookbooks and 3 other books for only S&H!! I ended up spending $21. For 6 books! 2 Betty Crocker Cookbooks (the original and a Christmas version), the new Giada De Laurentis cookbook family dinners (I love her!), and then the new Jennifer Weiner book out in a few weeks, The Alchemist (gift edition which is leatherbound and beautiful), and At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks. I seriously could spend all of my money on books and shelves to put them on. There is just something ridiculously satisfying about coming home with an armful of books. And for all you library lovers out there, for me, it isn't the same. It's knowing the book is mine. Opening the cover of a freshly unpacked book and the smell of the paper... oh my.. it's divine. Like a great tomato sauce or my grandma's kitchen.

Speaking of cooking, are we all aware that there is an entire aisle at Meijer dedicated to sauces and marinades? I love to cook and for some odd reason have just stumbled upon the fact that there are about 12,000 sauces and marinades out there. Except some are kind of useless. Green ketchup to name one. I mean, I get it's for kids but when I was little, green food was not exactly in my menu plan. I would eat peas and green beans if they were covered in butter thanks to my grandma, but I wouldn't have used green ketchup. I barely liked the RED variety.

And this is why I can't sleep! All these ridiculous random thoughts. Green vs. red ketchup? Wondering about a bunch of houses I saw for rent/sale and thinking of what color to paint the bathroom. What room will be pink? I need to remember to get butter and dog food tomorrow, even though I JUST went grocery shopping. I wonder if affordable health insurance exists? 10 am tomorrow with Patti! Is my skirt clean? Oh yeah, I forgot I have to cash that check. Eew, I think Hercules tooted. I'm hungry for Kraft Spiral Mac and Cheese. And oranges. I love my new hair cut. Awww... Hi Woobers. Sure go ahead sleep on my head! It's not like I'm sleeping anyway! I wonder if... hmm.. no. I can't wait to have my Cadillac. I need to update my goal posters. I wonder when the Triathlon is next year? I have so much I want to do next summer... family reunion in Nevada, Seminar in Dallas, Italy in August, Triathlon whenever that is, camp at some point with friends...

I think I'm tired!!! YES!!!!!!!! Sorry for the random thoughts... maybe now I can sleep!

Friday, May 19, 2006

ever not look forward to sunday?

So, he's coming home. And his new girlfriend's going to be at the welcome home ceremony. Even though we're still technically married. This shouldn't bother me. But it is. It's driving me crazy. I hate the bastard and everything he did. To me. To his family. To MY family. I'm excited about the divorce being final. I'm nervous about being single again, but I'll be fine and I'm looking forward to it. Especially having more days like today where I can watch whatever cheesy stupid movie I want and not have to convince someone else that it's good. YAY!

But I'm so pissed!! How disrespectful can you be? And why doesn't anyone care about what he did? It's like he's come kind of hero or something. For what!? For sitting over in a really sandy country for 10 months doing nothing but set up a myspace account and cheat on his wife over and over again? For looking at porn 24/7? And now he wants someone to be at his welcome home ceremony to make him feel great about all he accomplished with his really hard (no pun intended here) job of masterbation 101. He knew *I* wouldn't be there so he hurries up and falls in love with someone after 2 weeks and now she's going to be there. Awww...


I'm being snarky here but I really wish he would have to come home to nothing. To no one. To loneliness and heartbreak and humiliation. Lord knows I've had enough of all of that. Writing 50 letters and getting one in return. And one more from his ex-girlfriend. (Who wanted to make sure none of her naked pictures were shown on the internet. Oh, and a scrapbook of their time together before he left. My favorite was the one where they were both naked.) Or sending packages with his favorite stuff and then finding out he had been receiving packages from his other girlfriend(s) too. Then having to move all the way across the country back home because I had no where else to go. And having to endure everyone's pity eyes and the "How are you's?" and the "Did you try counseling, books, prayer, x, y , z...?" As if I had somehow not tried everything in my power to make it work. As if I just gave up. I did more than any woman would have. Any woman in her right mind anyway. I have no idea why I tried so hard to save us. Love, probably.

And now he's coming home. On Sunday. 10 months have passed and I don't have a clue where they all went. Half of them are a blur, because I slept most of them away. The other half have been spent trying to rebuild my life.

It's a funny thing how divorce is a lot like death. Except it's worse because the person is still alive, but you can't stand to see them. You lose all the memories, the plans, the material crap that doesn't matter, the smells, the schedule of daily life. And everytime you're reminded of it or him you get this hot, burning, sick feeling right in the pit of your gut. It's like reliving a funeral over and over again. Like watching that second plane hit the other tower and knowing what the end result is. And it's not like you can avoid it. It just happens. You'll be watching the news and BAM there it is, you can't have reflexes fast enough to get away from it. Or you're looking through a picture album and damn it if you forgot that last miserable picture of you two. Bam. Plane two.

Maybe it'll rain on Sunday and I can sleep in. Or maybe I'll do something he hated... ALL day. Like read. Or maybe I'll just skip Sunday and it'll be Saturday Part 2!

Ever not look forward to Sunday? How do you get around Sunday?