Wednesday, December 14, 2005

um.... princesses don't DO manual labor

So I wake up this morning to a note from my loving mother asking me to please shovel a walkway for the UPS guy. *insert screwed up face here* 1) Princesses don't DO manual labor and 2) I pulled a muscle yesterday. I key muscle for doing that kind of job! She was there! Is she nuts? I can barely move the mouse around let alone shovel snow! Feet of it to boot! So yeah, I pulled a muscle. You'll laugh once I tell you how I did it. I'll leave it for the end. Oh the suspense. I pulled a rib muscle though, one that goes from right under your boob all the way around the body to the spine. And it really hurts. I mean, laughing, coughing, clearing my throat, etc. are all out it hurts so much. Giggling warns me not to laugh. After I pulled it my mom had to take my bra off for me since I sure as hell couldn't reach around back there and do it myself. She's laughing at me hysterically all the while. I'm in major pain today though. Sleeping did not help at all. So you wanna know how I pulled this muscle that is causing me SO much pain?

I sneezed. No shit. I sneezed hard and I pulled a major muscle. You can stop laughing now. No seriously.

Fine. I'm out.

Friday, December 9, 2005

i love my animals... but Jesus H. Christ!

So far I am not having much luck with my animals today! Case in point: The first thing I woke up to was a dog/cat fight. Which is usually a daily occurance, but today it was on the bed, and I was almost a casualty of war. Then I proceed to let the dog outside to let him get all of his good morning energy out. He comes inside and everything is good and right in the world. So I get breakfast which these days is Special K and a banana. I'm eating my cereal and soon my spoon is being raped by the cat, she NEEDS the milk like crack or something. I push her away and she hits me back. (My cats do this from time to time. Feisty bitches.) So she goes and lays down on the other side of the desk. I finish the cereal and Hercules comes in chewing something inedible from the trash can. (also a daily thing) I try to get him to spit it out but he chews faster and swallows it. Nice. So I'm sure later we will have a doggie accident. So while I"m tending to the dog, my banana is free reign to the cat lying on the desk. So she goes and lays down on it. On my open banana. What. the hell? So I try to get her off of it because usually I reassemble the banana when I put it down so I'm thinking I might be able to salvage it. Oh no, not today I'm not! There's hair. All over it. And a foot print to boot.

Why do my animals do this? Do they think it's funny to torture their human? I love them, I do. I would never get rid of them. But if they don't stop stepping in my food, trying to eat inedible objects or trying to kill each other... I'm going to hang them all by their 4 little legs from the ceiling with santa hats on. Maybe not, but good GOD could I get a break!?

Monday, December 5, 2005

Home Remedies

Received this... thought i would share it...


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up a chance to pee, and never underestimate a fart.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.