Wednesday, August 27, 2008

a double day post from august... titles are bolded

one more thing..


i've noticed that lately my blog views seem to be climbing by leaps and bounds which is totally cool. i'm glad y'all like my writing and are entertained!

but can someone comment? it's a little weird not knowing my audience. it's kind of like when you see that someone who is from location TBD on trakzor has looked at your page 5 times in one day and you have NO idea who they are.

so anyway... leave a comment, write a message, add me to your subscriptions, etc. i just want to know who you are! :)

another you...

but BETTER!!!!

i was listening to one of my musical mixed masterpieces tonight on my way home from work and one of my favorite john mayer songs came on!! and you should read the lyrics... because i can relate. and you probably can too. maybe not right NOW, but maybe later. or maybe you'll think... OOOoooOOO... i found a better him. whatever. anyway... my favorite parts are bolded.... (it's all HE in my case... just thought i'd mention that in case you thought i might have gone lesbian.... which for my awesome lesbian friends is probably disappointing but ya know... i can't help it that i was born liking boys instead of girls.)

"I'm Gonna Find Another You"

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When I was your lover
No one else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do

Oh I'm gonna find another you

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

happy blog boyfriend

you know what i want? i want a boyfriend that i can write a happy blog about. not someone that lies, cheats, has double standards, waffles on decisions, and treats me like i'm an object to be bought. but someone who i can say gave me great advice, is one of my best friends, did something really sweet, or is just plain awesome.

i want to write something like this...

so happy blog boyfriend (HBB) and i went to our favorite art gallery last night. we had a blast perusing the newest collection of our favorite artists and drooling over things we couldn't afford. i did fall in love with a beautiful glass piece though. he said maybe for christmas... and i smiled because i knew he meant it and would remember. he's just that kind of guy. like that one time when i was sick and he remembered that i like mrs. grass' chicken noodle soup rather than the canned stuff. it's nice to know that someone cares about me like this. especially since i care about him too. he's so respectful. my family just adores him and for once all of my friends approve! HBB is unlike any man i've ever met. when we're together i know he's not looking at anyone but me. he's not thinking about other options or wondering if he's with the wrong girl. he knows that i'm special and that makes me feel so good.

*exiting fantasy land*

wouldn't it be great to have a love like that? to have that mutual feeling? where is my happy blog boyfriend? i mean obviously, this is not my main focus at the moment. i need to save money so i can move on with my life. working is the only way to accomplish that and work i do! however unglamorous it is... my other focus right now is my friends and family. if i'm going to move away i want to make sure i leave without regret. it'll make it harder if i don't. i mean driving to south carolina staring at the rearview mirror might be a little detrimental in the mountains. :)

so happy blog boyfriend will have to wait. but he'll find me eventually. lord knows if i look i won't find him. he has a tendency to hide in dark corners. i think he's waiting for the perfect opportunity to jump out and surprise me. or maybe i'm just a hopeless romantic and what i want and what i need are two completely opposite things. but that's kind of logical and this isn't really about logic, because whoever said that love was logical?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

here she goes again...


So I kind of went to a high school where people ended up like growing up and doing shit. Shit like PhDs and becoming pastors and other lucrative cool... shit. I say kind of because I probably went to high school about 122 days out of the 4 years I was enrolled. Which... ya know whatever. I earned my GED, went to college, made the Dean's List... kiss it.

Here's my problem, issue, annoyance... Listen to me. I am so HAPPY for you that you chose to heal babies, fight crime, and save me from the evil one... but guess what? My job's cool too. I get to wake up really super early, just like you. The better part of my job though, is that I actually wake YOU up so you can do your job. I get a sick pleasure out of making some fabulous strong breakfast blend coffee and serving it with a smile while you walk up to the pristine counter with your finger in your eye. I love that you want 4 shots of espresso in your giant cup of coffee. I love that you want soy milk in your sugar free vanilla triple latte AND that you want it heated to only 130 degrees. You know why? Because it means that you NEED me. It makes me giggle.

Because next time we see each other and you brag on about your research or some awesome book you read that NO ONE has ever fucking heard of but it's your all time fave... I will internally laugh out loud because you can't even make a damn pot of coffee. My job may be simple. It may be fun. It might be a LOT of customer service. But at least I don't have to spend $500 a year so someone else can make me coffee because I can't do it myself. You may make more money than me, work more hours, see blood gush... but the fact remains that I get to wake your ass up to go do it. I may be "just" a barista or "just" a cafe manager, but I'm YOUR barista.

So for the sake of all of us "losers".... fall off your high horse. Hard.

Or next time it'll be decaf.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

there's something in your ear...


adj: attending to or alert for sound

n: the act of hearing attentively

we've all said the following... "why won't you just LISTEN to me!?"

now, i'm not going to sit here and pretend that i am the world's greatest listener. i know that i am not. it's one of my weaknesses actually. i do actively engage in conversations and when my friends need an ear... i have two. when it comes to long stories though or lectures in a classroom i tend to zone out. the speaker will say something to trigger my brain and off i go to planet kallay. strangely enough, sometimes the subject of the speaker and the subject of my thinking are completely unrelated. recently, this is becoming kind of an issue for me. my neural transmitters are in 6th gear flyin around out of control. the only way that i can describe this is to compare it to water in a hot pan. someone will say a word and it will trigger the jazz hands effect of water on a hot pan. if you've never seen it... basically the water hits the pan and instantly steams up, breaks into a million other drops and fans out everywhere, only to disappear. it's a way to test if your pan is hot enough. it's also sort of like dropping mercury on a hard surface.

the problem here is trying to corral these thoughts, droplets, mercury balls. which is closely akin to say... herding ants?? for one thing... who knows where they're going? they're not like bees where they travel in a specific pattern, day in and day out. ants are kind of insane. they just meander. so you can imagine the confusion for me when my thoughts are doing the same thing. someone will be speaking to me and something like "you know when..." or "the other day..." will pop out of their mouth and zoom zoom, my brain is off to the races. i'll think about this, that, and the other thing and without realizing or meaning to... i've tuned the person out. so then i have to corral all of these thoughts and try to focus on my speaker and then sure enough... another trigger phrase or word will arrive and i'm back to herding ants. i feel like such a shitty person when i do this but i can't control it lately.

i'm so lost in my own life and i am a little bit of a control freak when it comes to me. i'm also a problem solver. so when things start to go awry... my immediate reaction is to think of ways to solve the issues. the sick thing is that i'll be doing this while someone is telling me about their day or telling me something i really should be listening to, but i'm only hearing the conversation. i'm not actively engaged. what an asshole, right? basically, the point is, when i get stressed out... my listening skills tend to dwindle.


i'm not an interupter. sure when you're having a conversation with friends and you're talking, sometimes you talk at the same time. that's different. you're engaged and excited and talking and you just want to get everything out and the other person is chettering away too but in the end you both hear each other and it's fun.

the flip side of this is what really pisses me off. i mean blood boiling mad pissed off. a conversation i was having with a person last night is a perfect example. this person asked... "so what's going on with you?" "are you ok?" i began to respond by saying "well, i moved up here thinking..." and was immediately cut off with "i know, i know"

(long pause) (heavy sigh, complete with air out of nose)(seething glare) (gritted teeth) (raised right eyebrow)

and then...


if you think you know the answer to the question that you are asking.... then why even bother asking? this is the perfect example of a BAD listener. i don't ask questions if i don't want to hear the answer. most of my friends are honest people and i know if i ask them i will get an honest answer. sometimes i don't want to hear it. other times i beg for it. anyway, i digress.... bad listeners. like i said, i'm not a great listener, but i'm not rude either. i don't ask a question and then retort with... "you already said that" or "i know, i know" because if i ask the question that means i DON'T know and want to. now... this person wanted to know why i had spoken with another person earlier in the day rather than them. so i said "because she listens to me!" this of course prompted the ages old argument of "but i DO listen!" "no you don't" "yes i do" blah fuck blah.

so i just shut up and said nothing. what's annoying is that i really wanted to talk to them. i wanted to say that i moved up here having happy (ish) thoughts and now i am in complete disbelief of what has happened to my life. somewhere i lost control. somewhere i let go of the reigns and now i'm stuck. i'm in the middle of the woods. i'm not sure which direction will take me to where i want to go. i'm out there because i'm a moron and thought i would be ok. i'm not sure where exactly it is that i want to go in the first place so it feels like any direction i take will be the wrong one. and for whatever reason, i'm in a fuckin hurry to get there. so i'm scrambling. i start to walk in one direction and then turn around and go the other direction because that one didn't feel right. i'm back and forth in my head. this way, that way, his way, her way, etc.

so, the reason i wanted to share this with this person was because sometimes they give good advice. when my life is out of order and i'm thinking at light speed, sometimes the advice they give puts it all into perspective. sometimes it's horse shit too but that's beside the point. it's worth it to try because it helps when the people around you understand where you're at. so even if they would have given me crappy advice, at least they would have listened and understood that i am in a foreign land. i've been where i'm at right now before, but it was still different. yes, i have an amazing ability to bounce back and get back on track. i know this of myself. but this is not just a testament to my own strength. it says a lot about the people that i surround myself with. they are intelligent and understanding, kind but honest. without these key people, i would not be where i am. so when i turn to one of these key people for understanding and i am interupted... it not only makes me angry but it also hurts my feelings. my friend michael says this perfectly to describe it and if i screw it up i'm sure he'll let me know...

he says he goes into a relationship expecting to GIVE 75% and only receive 25%. but on the flip side... he surrounds himself with people that also expect to give 75%. it's brilliant really. expecting the worst but getting the best. it's a good way to protect yourself from being let down. so when one of your 75% people gives you 25%, there's no other way to say it... it just sucks. when this happens, i doubt myself. i wonder what i did to make this person so hostile. in this case, it wasn't anything that i did. it was an alcohol induced situation. but other times, i know that i can be a burden. it's ok... we all are at some point, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

the burden feels like a bug in your hair or a leaf in your ear. you want to swat it away. get rid of it and get it away from you. feeling that you are something in someone's ear does not feel good. it's embarrassing. i pull away from them because i don't want my life to be someone else's problem. which is why, when this situation happened, i immediately shut down, closed up shop and said absolutely nothing.

i'm not easily angered. i'm not a dramatic scene kind of person. i tend to find my happy place when things start to go all catty whompus. my friends know this about me. i flee the scene or try to make jokes and lighten the mood. i'm just not a big fan of tension. however, be forewarned... even laid back people like myself have red buttons with "do not push me" emblazoned on top. i even have yellow buttons that say "only push once". my sister likes the red ones. my mom likes the yellow ones. both equally dangerous and lethal. that's not to say i'm a mean fighter. i don't call names or get violent. but you will hear my point. and when i'm done, i'm done. i walk away. it frustrates people when you walk away. especially people that have to have the last word. i'm good at ignoring those kinds of people. once i've said my piece i'm done. there's no need to repeat it. you hear me. you listen or you don't, but i'm done after i make my point. sometimes, i don't even have to say anything. my look of contempt will say enough. words are not always required. so the raised eyebrow was in effect yesterday and the subject was changed.

but i still want the person to hear me. to LISTEN to what i have to say. living in such close quarters, i feel the need to be understood. i'm only human afterall. i think the reason i'm feeling this way is due to the fact that i am feeling judged and in order to stop the judgment and have peace, i need this person to be aware of my current location of lost, usa. i think the tension and pressure would be gone for both parties involved. i can't make someone listen though, and i won't try either. (HA! example of ant herding... my brain is currently trying to decide if either should be neither since both the words can't and won't are negatives. see? i'm not even focusing on my own blog.) i think they would understand that even though on the outside i am calm and collected and seeking a path... on the inside i'm in a rush. i'm frantic. and i'm driving myself insane. so the extra push and shove is not needed. in fact, it's a yellow button. and since this person is one of those last word, yellow button loving kind of people... i am finding it hard to keep my cool and check myself.

koo koo bananas

this is why normal well adjusted people should have jobs.

ok never mind.

this is why intelligent people should have jobs...

we think too much.

i'm sitting here, doo doo doo... minding my lunch. (which is leftover four cheese ravioli btw... gotta keep this shit under conTROL!)

so i'm eating and something turned my brains on. imagine a jet engine starting.. (soft noise at first and then just..... jesus christ my ears!) k?

anyway, ya know... bananas are a lot like people!

they can be brown, green, yellow, yellow(ish), yellow and brown... AT THE SAME TIME! it's amazing.

they also have lots of layers. first... the thick, kind of squishy skin and it's lined with soft squishy white! kind of like a really expensive suede lined purse. then... the fruit itself has the same suedelike characteristic on the outside. some have bruises which are really cool. some are kind of yellowish because they should probably have been frozen for banana bread like.... 5 days ago!? then they have these cool stringy rope things that fall off of them and sometimes if you bite into them they'll get stuck in your teeth which is like an oral B dream job. then after you take a big ol' whomp of a bite there's the dark middle which fans out to the yellow starchy goodness. bananas are just the shit.

anyway... they're like people. i mean in the end they're all bananas. brown, green, yellow, squishy, bruised, hard... all bananas. basically... they're all the same. but as they age, they change... like us. some get better with age (if you're weekly plan includes baking), some just turn brown and end up ignored on the counter until the fruit flies are like "HEY! Over here!" some are used up before they can even turn yellow...

it's just kind of fascinating. but you probably have a job and are wondering why you're sitting here pondering the likenesses of bananas to people. well, let me tell you... it's just a sneak peek at unemployment. you should try it! no, really! you should! (n't)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Hello God?


I'm just wondering if I missed the warning on New Year's to stay inside for the rest of the year because hi, this year sucks.

I mean really... did I HAVE to run into the orange barrel after my clutch was just fixed after breaking down in the middle of nowhere? In one month this all had to happen? And then I end up having to get a brand new car anyway? You realize the payment's higher right?

Did you really want me to get my heart broken? I mean, haven't we cried together enough?

Did my grandma have to get breast cancer THIS year?

Do you always want me to struggle for money? Because things were starting to come together for me there for a minute.

And what's up with this whole moving to Michigan thing? Emergency surgery!? You know that costs like $25,000 right? Just checking...

Do you think that I forgot about you? Because I didn't. We can stop playing this whole damsel in distress thing now. I pray to you and talk to you. Maybe not as much as I used to but I mean... I tattooed you on my ankle. That's a big deal to me.

So I was just wondering if I could ask you a favor... can these next four and a half months of 2008 be a little easier? Can you open a door for me and keep it open? Cuz this whole opening doors and then laughing and slamming it shut thing is kind of getting old. "Just Kidding" is only funny like the first 50 times... And you're on like 150.

I'm getting tired Jesus. Really tired. My head hurts from crying. My shoulders hurt from carrying the burden. My feet hurt from walking on this treadmill going nowhere. I need a break. I need some good news. I need *something* happy this year so I can look back and go, yeah all that bad stuff happened but it was totally trumped by _______ . It would be super awesome if you could fill in that blank. I would appreciate it. I think my friends would too. They're trying to keep me sane and help me giggle and give me advice, but I think they're tired too. They are praying for something happy for me too, I think.

By the way, thanks for the awesome friends. Thanks for the small blessings. Thanks for my big fat dog. He pretty much rocks. Thanks for my pretty eyes and my hair, it's a stupid thing to be thankful for but sometimes it lifts my spirits. Thanks for letting me be born in America rather than some poor violent country. Thanks for my ability to rise above and always come out on top. Thanks for forgiveness and for health. Thanks for all the little joys in life. Thanks for coffee, no really THANK YOU! And thanks for my life. It's pretty cool.

Please keep my family and friends safe. Keep them happy. Please don't let them ever have to go through what I've been through in my life. And my enemies... bless them too.

And when you're done with all of that... a small miracle would just make my year. Really.

Anyway, I'll let you get back to work... I know you have a lot of weather planned for today. Busy busy!!



Friday, August 1, 2008

another double day post

just counting...

how many times i've had to move since i was 18... don't mind me...

madison, wi
- own apartment
- lived with bf

seattle, wa
- apartment

tacoma, wa
- lived with friend

fort lewis, wa
- lived with friends
- lived with different friends

lacey, wa
- lived in apartment

fort lewis, wa
- house!

holland, mi
- lived with sister

st. joseph, mi
- lived with mom

kalamazoo, mi
- lived in apartment

holland, mi
- lived in apartment

hilton head, sc
- lived in house with roomies
- lived in condo with roomie

jackson, mi
- lived with friends

st. joseph, mi (upcoming newest move)
- living with mom

16 times... really? good lord. i give new meaning to the phrase "pencil me in" huh?

on wisconsin

well, even with everything falling apart it seems i do have ONE thing to be excited about!!!

college football starts in 29 days! (at least for wisconsin!!!)

i can't wait. seeing the first kickoff of the year gets me totally geeked! i love being in the stadium and the crowd's going crazy and the band is playing... it's a thrill like none other.

even at home i get all choked up at the first game of the year. i love college football.

love love love it.