Wednesday, January 30, 2008

damn it kerry!!!

Here's how you play: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment saying "You're It!" and to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you so since you can't tag me back, let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.

1. I'm quitting smoking on February 14th.
2. I pace when I talk on the phone and then wonder why I'm out of breath when I'm done.
3. I can beat any man I know in a burping contest, unless it's Ed.
4. I've always wanted to sing in front of a large crowd and get paid for it but I am extremely stage fright.
5. I was supposed to be part owner and run my own cafe in March. Had the plans and menus, etc.
6. I am as anal as they come but my room looks like 12 boxes threw up in it.
7. I LOVE old people... canes, walkers and all. I love their stories and have a huge heart for them. Even when they piss me off at the cafe, I feel bad for them. Something had to make them that bitter.
8. I have climbed Mount Rainier... not to the summit but high enough to see all the other mountains around it, including Mt. St. Helens. It was one of my greatest achievements at that time in my life.
9. I love to brush my teeth.
10. I am a chronic procrastinator.

I tag Teresa, Ed, Heather, Karissa, Sarah, Sarah, Rebecca, Nichols, Mike, and Em.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

poetry for the wicked

filling ears with your twisted lies
going low so they'll sympathize
gaining none but feeling better
living life as a fire setter

must be nice to be that selfish
trashing friends to gain a half inch
but you'll end up bitter and stranded lonely
banking wrath and pride and envy

weakness plagues your wicked souls
patience... the strength you'll never own
it can't be bought or stealthily stolen
an inheritance gifted upon the chosen

poor little you and your empty heads
it's the nasty consequence of playing revenge
misery loves company, but it won't be me
go on now, your next victim's waiting.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Things To Do Instead of Smoking...

1) At night, drink tea to unwind. We have awesome tea at work so I think this will help. Plus I *love* fresh honey so I'm going to get some tea from work and then go find some really good honey. Teas I want to try are the Vanilla Comoro, African Autumn, Bangkok,

2) I'm going to start doing watercolor again to occupy my mind and my hands.

3) Start writing more to relieve stress and get my emotions out rather than holding them in and taking it out on my lungs.

4) Sudoku!!!

5) Pacing when I talk on the phone... I used to do this all the time but stopped when I started smoking.

6) Chewing lots and lots of cinnamon gum. Or bubblicious grape gum when I'm at home. I should try the chewing on straws thing too.

7) Drinking more water to replace diet coke. I'm a feign. And drinking diet coke makes me want a cigarette.

8) I could brush my teeth after I eat so I don't want to smoke. Since I love brushing my teeth and flossing and all that I could take the 5 minutes that I would smoke to do that.

9) If I'm out to eat, order amaretto to finish my meal instead of smoking.

10) Reading at work instead of smoking. I can still go outside and get fresh air but without having to smoke.

Books I want to read...

Dangerous Book for Boys
Daring Book for Girls
eat, pray, love
The Wolf of Wall Street

11) In the car... open the window and get fresh air, listen to books on tape or comedy cd's. (i.e. Dane Cook, David Sedaris, etc.)

12) If I'm sad I need to just go be by myself and cry it out. No more holding it in and using cigarettes as a way to suppress it. Take a bath or a shower or something.

13) Celebrating... SHOPPING!!! : )

14) Start crocheting again or cross-stiching. My nephew and niece are going to be inundated with scarves and mittens and pictures for their walls!!

15) Start stretching and doing floor exercises when I'm bored.

16) Experiment with new makeup looks and hairstyles.

17) Exercise to relieve stress and clear my head.

18) Listen to and find new music.

19) Let's face it... I'll probably slap on a patch or two.

some good news!!!

So I went to Nicoderm CQ's website and they had a savings Calculater... look at this!!!!

I guess I get more than $120 for quitting! : )

You will save $1,916.25 in one year.
You will save $162.75 in one month.
You will save $36.75 in one week.
You will save $5.25 in one day.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

i wanna quit.


Bet you thought I was going to say my job.

Anyway, I want to quit smoking. It's expensive, for one thing. It's unhealthy. It's gross. It smells. And it takes up space in evening bags!!!

But how? I was reading Dr. Oz's thing about it on Pretty interesting. He says to set a quit date two weeks to one month from now to quit. Then I'm supposed to write a list of why I want to quit and why I want to smoke. Apparently this helps the smart part of your brain start to take control. I'm supposed to make another list (I love lists so this part might be fun) of things I can do to replace smoking. He also suggests starting to exercise again since most young women's greatest fear is gaining weight after they quit.

Um.. after losing 50 lbs. this past year I would say that he hit that nail right on the head with me! It terrifies me. I only have 30 more pounds to lose before I hit my goal weight and I don't want to fuck that all up by quitting smoking. Which is worse? Being overweight or trying to kill yourself 20-30 times a day? Both are unhealthy.

I digress... Dr. Oz also says that setting yourself up like this *before* you quit helps you to become more successful on your quit date because you've already made a plan. Well Dr. Oz... that's all well and good but have you ever taken a lego from a baby? That shit can get ugly... I don't care how well you warn the baby, there's going to be a war.

So what to do... well he says to build a support system. Okay... my roommate smokes so that's going to make it harder. Plus she's a good friend so we go out together and do pretty much everything together so that increases my chances of staying a smoker. My jealousy will win and I'll be heading to the Circle K for some mild menthols before my support system could ever catch up with me.

And what about stress? Apparently smoking increases that too. Fantastic news!! And my teeth will be whiter, my lung function will improve and my skin will be healthier too! Hooray!

That all sounds great but nicotine is a drug. And let's be real... addiction is not an easy thing to beat. If I save money on cigarettes but spend the money on patches and prescriptions (that I refuse to take) and gum and yadda yadda this, that, and the other thing... how would I be saving money exactly? And to get over this particular addiction I know I would be chewing gum like a teenager in math class and have patches on every available inch of skin... except for that one.

I guess I'll start start with this list business. I have to set a date though. My birthday is a month and a half away so that could work, except DO says alcohol and coffee can increase your cravings if you're typically a person who likes to smoke when you drink. Well listen Mr. I am not giving up coffee AND cigarettes,that my typical breakfast... so what else ya got? Tea with lemon is sweet and all but it's not going to help me deal with my horrendous day. Sorry! There I go getting off track again. Anyway, my birthday is St. Patty's Day weekend and I am seeing a lot of green beer and shots in my future so is this really a good day to quit smoking? I feel like I would be setting myself up for failure. So March 14th is out. There's always Valentine's Day, which happens to be my favorite holiday, but that's 2 weeks from now! Is that possible?

I realize I'm making excuses but I'm trying to be realistic here. On the other hand, I could save the $25-30 a week I spend on cigarettes from Feb. 14th until my birthday and then buy myself something cool. $30 times 4 weeks is $120. I'd have to figure out what I could buy for that. Maybe a kate spade or a coach purse or something. It would have to be something motivating enough to make me not want to spend the $30 on cigarettes.

So, Feburary 14th it is. Happy Valentine's Day to me! When I find something to spend my motivational money on I'll let you know.

Until then... I need to ponder and figure out why I love my smokey treats like my cat loves tape.

Suggestions are welcome. Criticism is not. And while we're at it, either are congrats because I'm smoking while I type this so I haven't quit yet. Shake my hand when I have a new coach purse hanging from my arm on my birthday.

Stop Smoking Lists....

List 1

First of all, let me start off by saying that I never used to love smoking, I did it to relieve the stress of getting divorced. Then I quit for reasons that will be unknown to most. Then I only smoked when I drank. AND then.... I started working at the bakery and I couldn't get a break. But I realized they always got breaks by smoking... so there it began. Then I started smoking at home. Then I started smoking in my car... which I've always said I would never do. Ever. And then I started craving it. Soon I started enjoying it. Then I moved to South Carolina and my roommate smoked. And if you've ever lived with someone else who smokes you know that when they smoke... you smoke. So I started smoking even more. Then I started smoking right before I went to sleep to calm down and get sleepy. Which led to waking up with an ashtray next to my head and me smoking as soon as my cellphone started playing Latin Lady on full blast. That cigarette is my favorite of the whole day. It wakes me up and tells my body... "Guess what? It's time to get ready and face what is sure to be another learning day." And I don't want to start waking up in the middle of night to smoke because next to smoking, sleeping is another of my favorite bad habits and I see myself heading down that road. So I'm done. But here's my first list anyway.... Dr. Oz said it's important so here you go DO.

Why I Love My Smokey Treats

by Kallay C.

1. I love waking up to my first smokey treat of the day. It's a jolt of energy for me. I have to move to get my cigarettes and my lighter and light it up and lay back and my eyes have to be open. It's as relaxing as a rainy Sunday afternoon.

2. I love smoking in the car on long road trips. It keeps me awake and occupies me. The window is open a crack and the fresh air smacks against my face and the cigarette keeps me concentrated instead of going off into day dream land, a place I often travel to while I drive. I have a feeling I might be spending a lot of gas money on this quitting adventure. I love to drive and I might need to do that now to relieve some stress. Even if the speed limit on the island is anywhere between 25-45 mph.

3. It relieves stress. When I'm having a really bad day at work or someone pisses me off or I'm frustrated about money or WHATEVER... it calms me down. Helps me think.

4. Smoking helps me stay sober when I drink because when I drink I get thirsty and if the only drink I have near by is alcohol.... well you see the dilemma. When I smoke and drink it slows me down. I have to stop drinking when I smoke because it's a little hard to do both at the same time.

5. It's just plain fun.

6. Coffee and cigarettes go hand in hand for me. They're my breakfast. On my way to work I try to get at least two in on the way in the car. If I'm not going to work though I sit and drink coffee and smoke for a couple of hours to wake up. It's breakfast with a twist.

7. Speaking of food... it's an appetite suppressant and after I've lost all this weight I don't plan on gaining any of it back. Smoking helps me stay skinny unfortunately. It's going to be hard to find an oral alternative. Gum is soon to be my new best friend. Probably the big obnoxious bubblicious grape flavored kind too. Blowing bubbles has got to try and be as satisfying as blowing smoke.

8. I like smoking before bed because it makes me sleepy and helps me calm down before bed.

9. I like how my lips look when I exhale.

10. I like to write and smoke at the same time. It clears my head and helps me focus on whatever it is I happen to be writing. Poetry, blogs, whatever.

11. It's a social thing. You go outside and bitch with the other smokers that it's freezing cold outside OR that you're dying of heat and you wish you could hang out inside with all the other pink lungs but you *need* nicotine. Plus, if you're single (and I'm not anymore) it's a good way to meet guys. They ask for a cigarette or a lighter. Or they offer to light your cigarette... anyway... it's social. Still haven't figured out how to do smoke O's and I don't want to die trying either. But it sure is a good way to meet people. You can meet new business contacts, new friends, and all the while do something is generally anti-social. I mean, you have to leave who ever you're being social with to go outside and be anti-social but still be social at the same time. Weird.

12. It's a way to get breaks at work.

13. It keeps my hands busy when I'm on idle.

14. When I have a cold it helps me not cough as much.

15. I love having a cigarette after I've just eaten a big meal. There is nothing that calms your tummy like a long pull off a fresh cigarette.

16. I like smoking after I run. Not sure why. I just do. It feels good.

17. I've noticed also that I am a lot less emotional now that I am a smoker. I used to cry a lot more than I do now. I haven't cried in I don't know how long. I know it's been months. And I've had plenty to cry about. Finding out my grandma may have breast cancer at the same time one of my good friendships started to deteriorate.. good time to cry. Smoked instead. Work is stressful because of bad employees, rude people, too much to do with not enough time to get it done in, not getting paid enough, etc. Another good time to cry and get it all out... smoked instead. Fell in love, let him go... great time to cry. Nope... smoked a LOT instead. He came back... good time to cry! Nope. Smoked. Miss my family, listen to holidays without them, hear my nephew crying because he misses me... cry Kallay... no.. I smoke. It's sad really, I'm feeling like I need to cry to get it all out but I just can't. I'm emotionless while smoking. I haven't cried in so long I almost feel like it would be weak to cry now. Pretty sad that I have become so anti-sobbing. But smoking does that, he helps me not be sad enough to cry, or at least supresses the urge.

I'm sure there's more... but the bottom line is that I like to smoke.

I just do.

List 2

Why I Want to Be a Quitter

1. Smoker's cough is not cute.

2. Neither are wrinkles.

3. I will smell better and so will my house and my car.

4. I'm obssessive about my teeth being white. Now it won't take so much damn work and I'll have a healthier mouth in general. And when I kiss my honey he won't have to taste Marlboro Mild Menthols.

5. I won't have to stand outside in the freezing cold and or sweltering heat to smoke.

6. I will be able to spend more time with my nephew instead of going and hiding from him to go smoke. That sucked. I don't want him to ever get addicted to this crap and have to post myspace blogs about quitting.

7. I don't want to die of cancer or emphysema or any other horrible slow death.

8. It's SO damn expensive!!!!! I could totally use the extra $100 a month.

9. Cigarettes take up room in cute little purses that could a camera or something else.

10. Packing cigarettes makes my hands hurt.

11. I have dry skin and smoking is not helping my complexion.

12. I don't like having something in my life that controls me. I like to be in control.

13. It's dirty... ashes everywhere. Ashtrays with butts... ugh. Yuck.

14. I'm clumsy and I often burn myself lighting and or accidentally dropping my cigarette... esp. when I'm drinking.

15. It's bad for my animals and their air.

16. It's bad for the environment. The other day I was sitting at work and watching my smoke and it went in the air and I just figured it just went away and mixed in with the regular air. No... I watched it curl up and then a few seconds later curl around the building. Then an old couple walked by and I felt guilty for accidentally exhaling on them. They were walking behind me so I didn't know they were coming. I felt bad that my bad habit could be hurting them.

17. Running is harder now. That sucks. So is climbing stairs. I don't get horribly out of breath but I'm sure it's coming and that doesn't sound exciting to me.

18. It's just plain unhealthy. I'm sure my brain is not loving this habit.

19. I won't have to leave my friends to go smoke.

20. I won't accidentally light myself on fire and/or burn my house down.

21. I want my emotions to come back.

22. I want to lose weight without compromising my health at the same time. Lose weight and be truly healthy.

23. I want to smell and taste normally again. I love to cook so these are pretty important.

24. I want to be able to pet my animals without them having to risk getting burned.

25. I don't want to have to tell another doctor that I am a smoker or that I smoke a pack a day and see that condescending look ever again. Now if they ask I can say no, I quit and see the glimmer in his/her eye.

26. If I ever have the chance to get pregnant, I don't want my fertility to be at risk.

27. I don't want my kids, if I ever have any, to smoke because I do.

There are plenty more, but this is good enough. I'll read this and remember the rest. I just want to be a non smoker. I want to be a quitter.

Friday, January 25, 2008

my next day off...

I'm dreaming and I know it but on my next day off... this is what I want to do.

First of all, I want to sleep in and not wake up to the big bookstore calling me at 8:30am with a problem. I want to wake up to my puppy snoring and cuddling next to me. Then I want to leisurely get up and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and not have any stress hanging over my day. At some point I should eat.

After I get fully caffeinated I want to take a long hot bath and listen to music and shave my stupid legs. I'll get out of my bath and get in some warm comfy clothes and read a book on the couch until I fall asleep and have a nice long nap.

I'll get up from my nap and watch a romantic comedy and hopefully my roomie will be done working and she can watch too. Then we'll go work out and come home and eat dinner.

And then who knows... this is my favorite part. Because the next day... I don't have to work either. So I can stay up late or go to bed early. I won't have to do this, that, or the other thing. And that is a daydream day off. Can't wait!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

funny song....

I didn't write this, but thought it was hilarious...

To the tune of "Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast:

I'm in debt, I'm in debt
I'm the brokest I've been yet
I am in the infra-red, it seems
What's money? I forget
Boracic lint!
(which is rhyming slang for "skint")
My bank manager's involment
Ceased when I became insolvent
I can surf, I can browse
But that's all that I allows
Of what's on sale upon the internet
No, no I can't buy any
I ain't got one penny
I'm in debt
Deep in debt
I'm in debt

He owes more
Than before
So we're knocking at his door

They're so scary: big and hairy
And they will give me what for
I'm alone with no stash
So I can't give any cash
And they don't look too forgiving
Fingers crossed I'll keep on living
I tell jokes, they're nonplussed
Realizing that I'm bust

So we'll take your stuff and see what we can get
Oh, look, this fancy loo
Is worth a bob or two, to pay your debt

I regret
That you've taken my toilet

He's in debt, he's in debt, he's in debt!

He's in debt, he's in debt
In his mortgaged maisonette
Ain't it funny - lost his dunny
'Cause no money there and yet
It is still not enough
And they're taking yet more stuff
Eating, sleeping- he's unable
Without bed or chair or table
Taking forks, taking knives
Taking daughters, sons and wives?
And walking off there with a little pet
And oh, so sad I am
They've got our hamster, Jam
To clear the debt
He's in debt
He's in debt

[Mrs. Potts the Usurer]
He's in debt, he's in debt
Dangling like a marionette
Missed the sign, and skipped the fine
What's yours is mine now - don't forget
I'll take this! I'll take that!
Feed that rodent to my cat
Can't wake up now, you're not dreaming
It's all over, bar the screaming
Take the beds! Baby's cot!
Won't stop till I've got the lot
I'm so glad that we have had this tete-a-tete

So, what does he owe you?

[Mrs. Potts]
Is it one grand or two?
So pay your debt

Pay your debt!

[Mrs. Potts]
Pay your debt!

Life is so depressing
With these "guests" who keep me guessing
If they'll treat me to a seat to sit upon
Ah, those good old days so comfortable
Suddenly, that toilet seat is gone
Thousands that I'm owing
Watching my possessions going
See them disappear to pay off all my bills
Saturdays, I watch the television
Pinning hopes I've gottery
On winning the National lottery!

He's in debt, he's in debt
Clacking like a castanet
It will be years till he appears
On the break-even parapet
Sympathize, give him hugs
Try and keep him off the drugs
What with interest, he's knowing
What's outstanding is still growing

Creditors, one by one
Taking everything he's won
To leave him brow-beaten with a baguette
Now he has to weigh up
Whether he can pay up
All his debt
He's in debt
He's in debt
He's deep in debt

it's funny...hope you enjoyed...


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

i am not leaving my house...

until the planets align themselves to give me some better luck.

Good Lord.

Picked up my car today.... hooray.

Back in Hilton Head... hooray.

Thought I was going to die today.... hooray.

Oh wait, not hooray.

Never had a near death experience before but that was close enough for me. I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life, except for the time when I got lost in the Saugatuck Dunes with no flashlight and/or moon. I don't know how I didn't flip my car or why all of a sudden all of the cars around me weren't there anymore. I don't understand it. Obviously God was watching out for me. I should be in the hospital, my car should be totaled and I have no other explanation than God was watching out for me. I mean I know I'm a good driver but how I drove myself out of a coma I'm not sure. My mom keeps saying... "You are so lucky." So maybe my luck is turning around. I just have to look at situations as how bad they COULD have been and see the happy side of it.

I'm still shaken though and couldn't eat tonight, which is unusual for me. I'm glad I have my car back, however badly it is damaged. It's home now and so am I. Thank God! And I mean that more sincerely than you can possibly imagine.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

double post day!!!

not like i care.....

but.. he's married!?

i don't get it. he's cheats. he lies. he steals. he manipulates. he's a criminal. he's a jerk. he gets away with most things. he cares for no one.

and yet, he's married? or has a girlfriend that he doesn't like?

i don't GET IT!!!

i'm a great girl. i'm beautiful. i'm smart. i'm hard working. i'm kind. i'm honest. i'm loving. i'm a guy's girl. i'm a girl's girl. i get along with most everyone. i am funny as hell. and yet, i'm still single and alone and pathetic as all get out.

am i doing something wrong? am i trying too hard? am i even really trying? guys come to ME. i respond. i usually don't like them. then i move onto the next guy. i like him. he's not sure. he's sure but too far away. he's not what he says he is.

am i supposed to be single? i really doubt that. i don't have that many issues to where God would want me to just be alone and whore myself out just so i can please my human instinct.

i'm tired of being lonely. i'm tired of feeling left out. i'm tired of seeing cute couples. i'm tired of seeing people who love each other fall apart and never recover.

is there such a thing as the perfect man? absolutely not. but could i at least get a guy who i can stand to be around for more than 5 minutes?


ok... did i do something?

cuz so far 2008 blows brains.

fuck man. give me a break.

Friday, January 4, 2008

damn it... i need better luck or SOMETHING

so far in 2008....

*Wisconsin lost the Outback Bowl in a rare end zone interception.

*My baby broke down on the side of the road in BFE, FL with a burned out clutch that's going to take $1300 to repair. Thank God for moms.

*Got stuck in Lake City, FL... meanwhile back at the cafe... all hell was breaking loose because of all the stuff that changed over on January 3rd. Frantic calls from managers leave me feeling helpless since there's not a damn thing I can do to solve any of the problems.

*Had to leave my car in Lake City , FL to have to return next Tuesday to pick it up. More money, more time, wasted...

*Get home to a messy house that still isn't unpacked because I'm always working...

*Confused about where I am in this weird relationship which is starting to break my heart... big shocker there.

*More work issues.... scheduling changes, not enough hours allocated to my cafe but need the extra hours to take care of the business. Nothing is getting done except making coffee which is ridiculous because we're never going to get ahead if we don't have enough workers and yet they complain that nothing is done. Another tormented circle.

*SO another day, another disaster...


*I'm having a niece... HOORAY!! I can't wait.

*My car is getting fixed.

*I'm healthy.

*I'm going to be making more money with a second job soon.

*I have good friends.

*My family is close.

So I do have a lot to be thankful for. It's just so much at one time. I'm folding under the pressure and I don't normally do that. I'm a strong woman and can take a lot but this is getting out of hand.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

my new favorite commercial

Outback Bowl Tickets - $350

Gas To Drive to the Outback Bowl - $100

Clutch Kit for Mazda 3 - $1249.82

2008 - Priceless

Fuck. My. Life.

Still stuck in Lake City. Thank God for good friends. And a hotel that will let us stay past check out so we don't have to stand in the 20 degree weather. And thank him for the 10 bottles of beer we have left that will probably be my breakfast. :)