Tuesday, July 29, 2008

i've got the boo.hoo. blues

i wish things could have turned out differently...

but wishing is for fools, and i'm no fool.

Monday, July 28, 2008


let's say.. hypothetically, that you moved away from your favorite place. you moved away from said place because someone promised you something really fantastic in return. such as say, i don't know, love? respect? support? your options were slim and it seemed like manna from heaven. let's say that. k?

so you move away from um.. paradise? friendships? awesome life? great job? freedom? yes let's call it freedom... so you move away from freedom only to find that these promises were some what empty in say... cement. it would be like buying a bag of totino's pizza rolls only to find that there is no pizza in said rolls. just the crusty outside. and while these crusty outsides are in fact... yummy... you can't seem to move past the fact that there is no pizza filling. if you had moved away from freedom knowing you were only going to receive the crusty outside rather than the whole package of goodness... would you not feel slightly, if not mostly, gypped? deceived? maybe even fucked? would you not yearn for the warm gooey comfort of the delectable treat you had been hoping for?

that's what i thought. unfortunately... you lost your receipt. stupid you. so how does one return these empty rolls? do you even return them? or do you just hope that next time you purchase a bag it's filled with exactly what it had promised? do you forgive totino's and their giant mistake or do you say... maybe... "fuck this! i want my goo!"??

if you're like me, you set out to get your goo! however, it's one of those long rebate processes. where you have to write the company. and wait for a reply. then perhaps concoct another letter, and wait for a reply. eventually, they reply with a form letter apologizing for their giant mistake and thank you for bringing it to their attention. they'll try to get better at quality assurance. sincerely, the never going to do a damn thing about it company. p.s. poor you.

the letter didn't work! "but", you say to yourself, "i poured my heart into that letter!" "i explained in detail why it was so disappointing to not have my goo!" so you try again. and again. and again. and always get the same reply. do you grow weak with every response? do you get hopeful after every letter that maybe some day, some time, you'll get a coupon for free rolls WITH goo? you persist. you beg for goo. they say... no goo for you.

so, still hypothetically, one day you get fed up... you want your damn goo. and you set out to find it yourself. you'll make your OWN goo! and it'll be better goo than they promised! but... what about the yummy crust? you'll miss the yummy crust. what is goo without the yummy crust anyway? "!!!!!" you've got an idea! you'll find a new yummy crust too! surely there is a yummier crust! and so you've got a goal.

hm... how to make goo? and find a yummy crust? you need a plan. you'll need money for this adventure. you'll also need supplies. and if you're successful you'll need extra money for the factory! but where? how? and fear sets in. you worry that you will feel guilty for looking for a yummier crust and for making better goo. you worry that maybe the company might send you that coupon! the what ifs and the should haves run amok. day and night you worry and still you don't have your goo. just the yummy crust.

at what point do you stop? how long does this madness go on? how long are you going to hope that your goo will magically appear?

how long?

i mean, hypothetically speaking, do you work to get back to freedom? or do you keep on secretly hoping that cement will become your new freedom? that this person will suddenly realize your eye is on the prize.... and give you your goo?

what do you do? hypothetically speaking of course....

Friday, July 11, 2008

riddle me this...

"I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball."


will it be another day of mediocrity? coffee, shower, gym, check things of the to do list, hobby, sleep....

or will something strike me?
will i hear the one message i have been needing to hear?
will i get my wish?
will i get my validation?

if i don't, will i decide then?

does my heart get broken? or maybe healed?
does the truth finally come out?
can i move on?

are the contradictions over?
have the double standards stopped?

does he? does he not?

am i a mother?

do i settle?
do i succeed?

am i happy?

the loaded ones, they bear too much
and some are meant for naught
others beg for closure though
some hasty and some thought


the whys, the hows, the whens, the whos, the whats... of the 5 the why is hardest to answer. why did he die? why doesn't she love me? why is the earth round? why can't i be.... why why why? and yet we ask it. because maybe somewhere, someone will know. they will tell us of death's purpose and of love's or at least help us glimpse our own so that we may understand this piece of the puzzle. my mom has always told me that "hindsight is 20/20" and unfortunately she is right. sometimes in order to understand our future we must look back and reflect on our past. in order to learn and grow from the mistakes we have made we have to find where we went wrong in the first place.

i'm a clutz on my feet but also in life. so many times i have told myself to trust my instinct, trust my gut... and so many times i have ignored it. the hindsight teaches me to listen to myself. trust myself. BELIEVE in myself. because unfortunately i'm usually right. when the gut says to leave, it's time to leave. when my instinct tells me something is wrong, it usually is very wrong. there have been lies uncovered, affairs revealed, relationships ended and victories won just from listening to that soft thud in my gut.

it's thudding again.

starting to pound actually.

and it's ruining my day. stealing my sleep. littering my mind.

so... what to do. all these questions swirling around in my head. the emotions coming from out of nowhere. just poof! i'm crying. poof! i'm pissed. poof! i'm happy. poof! i'm annoyed. up and down and up and down like a motorized teeter totter unwilling to let me off! i'm strapped in and helpless. afraid to undo the clasp that keeps me safe, afraid to fall, afraid to fly. can't turn it off because then it all stops and i could get stuck in the air or slammed down to the ground! it's out of my control. the only way out is risk. i have to get off. in order to live, i must choose an escape. all are difficult. risky. challenging. but a few have happy endings.

my gut doesn't really tell me what to DO about the problem, but more what the problem actually is. typical... stupid gut. so while i know the answers to my questions... i don't really know the solutions just yet. there are variables. which always lead to more variables.

"time heals all wounds." well good for time. clap clap clap. time means tomorrow. and since we're never guaranteed tomorrow except in late night infomercials... what good does that saying even carry? i don't know any man, job, friend, or family member that has a lifetime guarantee. i can find you a few good knives though! juicer anyone? how about a rotisserie? so that means at some point... i'm going to mourn. a lost job, a friend, a man, and a family member...

but what happens when you have to mourn them all together and the family member is you? your life, your dreams, your goals, your ways.... not necessarily dead but gone for a while. let me tell you. you exist, but you do not live. you act, but no longer feel. you reach, but you do not strive. you feed, but you do not grow. and suddenly you're riding the teeter totter. wanting out but you don't know how.

welcome friends... to my teeter totter. my riddle. my life.