Tuesday, December 18, 2007

alone... but never alone

so it's kind of strange... my roommate left for TN for christmas. all is quiet in the house and I am slowly realizing that i haven't been by myself in a really long time. no one to talk to on the phone. not that i haven't tried but i'm just by myself. it's kind of nice. it's making me think a lot though. about life in general. you know how it is. you get alone and your mind just starts to wander.

for some reason when i'm alone my feelings suddenly get stronger and i'm so much more aware of my actual state of mind. like for whatever reason i'm really missing ed tonight and i'm feeling really conscious of the fact that i really am falling for him and that i'm nervous about why he won't give me what i want. and not the bullshit answer but the real one. i want a boyfriend and i want it to be him. there are plenty of guys out there that want to be with me and for whatever reason he doesn't want that with me. it's so irritating. why spend all the money and time and effort to come down here and meet me and sleep with me and get to know me if it's just going to end up as one big tease? i don't get it and it really hurts my feelings. why do i always fall for unavailable men? either emotionally unavailable or just plain non-committal. it's so frustrating.

i'm a beautiful, intelligent, hard working, funny woman. what's not to love? i am myself 100% of the time. i don't apologize for who i am. maybe that's what men want. and if that's true then i might as well just give up now. because i won't ever cower again. i will never be so weak that i will allow someone to cheat on me and stick around to watch my heart get broken. there is no pride in that. only stupidity.

i miss my family. i miss my roommate. i miss my best friend. the one who i came and saw on vacation. not the stressed out one that she is now. i feel like i've always got to have my guard up and be ready for an argument or some sort of conflict now. it's heartbreaking really.

work is sucking a cow tit right now too. everyone is so hell bent on getting things ready for christmas and selling this, that, and the other thing that they don't realize. we have a restaurant on our hands. we have to actually work at keeping it running. it's not going to order food for itself!!! it's also not going to schedule the employees or do paperwork. so while i understand the need for great customer service (which i provide) i have other shit to do too people!!!!!!!! and i don't want to work every second of my life. i'm all about hard work but even God got a break once in a while. hello!

i miss the simple life. but the money sucked. so i'm not really sure which is worse.

Monday, December 17, 2007

it's impossible...

It's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me

I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)

Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way


Sunday, December 16, 2007

what the hell...

i know that the things that are worth having are worth working for but this is getting out of hand. how much more of this bullshit can i take?

i can't find a normal, decent, well adjusted, friendly, loving, caring man and just when i think i'm getting close, it all falls apart.

i finally got a great job but of course... i'm micromanaged, put down, talked about and sabotaged every time i turn around.

i'm too tired to exercise so i have absolutely no energy which happens to be a double edged sword.

i miss my nephew.

i miss my family.

but i do not miss michigan. at all. i guess it just goes to show you that no matter how far away you run, new problems will arise.

it's just so depressing. i just want someone to love. and someone to love me right back.

lame... maybe. but i'm only human and i want those things.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

i miss you, i love you, i wish you were here

This time of year is always kind of bittersweet for me. When I was 15 I lost one of the most influential people in my life. Does it matter that he was one of few great role models in my life? I would venture to say, yes definitely. It changed the course of my life. It changed my belief system. It changed the way I live my life. Some people call it reckless, some people call it adventurous, I call it living my life to it's absolute fullest. Not many people can say that they've lived in 4 different states without also including the fact that they've been in the military, which I am not, by the time they were 25.

Fred was one of the greatest men I've ever known. His morals were a little skewed at times but when it came to his family and his friends, he was loyal. I was his melan"kallay" baby, as he used to say. He did everything for me. Came to my swim meets, taught me how to drive a boat, mentored me like a father and loved me like no other man in my life has. He was, for lack of any other term, my daddy. I looked up to him and loved him as if he had raised me since birth. I was the first baby he had ever held. He built my first tricycle and when it came time, he built my first two wheel bike and removed the training wheels.

In the 90's he moved to Las Vegas when his job demanded that he relocate. He was in the FBI and was extremely hard working and involved in his community. Needless to say though, I was devastated. But even though we were miles apart he kept in touch and even surprised me on Christmas on year. It was a great Christmas.

In November of 1996, Fred was riding home on his most prized possession and great lifelong friend... his Harley Davidson. It was red and chrome and HUGE. He loved his motorcycles and not once had he ever taken for granted the danger of his passion. On board was his step daughter Julie. They were riding home down a mountain in Las Vegas appropriately termed "the widow maker" and when Julie lost her balance on the bike, Fred tried to correct and made a life altering mistake. He swerved over the yellow line and into the ditch on the other side of the road and swerved back into oncoming traffic to get back in his own lane. When he did so, he hit another car head on and both he and Julie were killed instantly. It was November 30, 1996.

This year will mark 11 years. I can hardly believe that it's been that long. It feels like yesterday to me. I remember not sleeping and not eating for the days before his funeral. I remember wondering how I would get through life without my daddy to give me advice and steer me in the right direction. I remember feeling so empty and so alone.

But as they say, time heals all wounds. There will always be a part of my heart that aches a little at the sight or sound of his name, but I can also think of the good times now and smile rather than have an angry cry. He was a wonderful man. One whom I will never forget. I think of him daily and at this time of year especially. I used to love holidays with Fred. He was the life of the party. So funny and so outgoing. I miss that so much. So every year I say a little prayer and send it up to him letting him know that I am still thinking of him. I know he is listening. When I see motorcycles I think of him and his love for the thrill of the ride with the wind in his face.

If he taught me anything it was just to enjoy life. To love your family and your friends. To show gratitude to those who do great in your life. And to appreciate the small stuff. Make a mistake and learn from it. Laugh at everything. Give to those who are less fortunate than you, whether it be time or money, because those small acts will make the largest difference.

You were a great man Fred and I know that somewhere you are resting in peace. You have followed your long road home and enjoyed every ride of it.

I love you.

Fred DeWitt and Julie Ideson
November 30, 1996

(Romans 8:38,39) For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Monday, October 15, 2007

i have a good life

So I've been in a large funk lately. Moving down to South Carolina away from my family has been hard. I miss my nephew. I miss my mom. I miss my ducks at the pond from my old apartment as geeky as that sounds. It was so awesome waking up to that every morning.

Besides that I'm still working on getting over a relationship gone bad. I'm trying to understand it all. Love, relationships, where I fit into all of that. Apparently I suck at it. Either that or I'm just meeting all the wrong people. Who knows? Maybe both? Break up songs are helping. :)

Also, I fell at work. Pretty badly. My back looks like a wrung out dishtowel in the x-rays and my doctor is concerned because my chest and my shoulders are hurting. I'm frustrated because I can't work. I'm really not supposed to be doing much of anything but I can't sit here anymore and be stagnant. It's driving me batty.

All that said... I have a good life. I have a great family. I have a best friend who through thick and thin is my sister. We help each other get through this thing called life and it's great to know she's there day or night as I am for her. I have my health... that is to say I'm not dying. In lots of pain, sure. But I'm still alive. I'm pretty. Intelligent. I live on a beautiful island with an abundance of beauitful butterflies and wildlife everywhere. The ocean is 2 minutes away and always welcomes me with open waves. I have a car that doesn't sound like it's about to fall apart. I have something to look forward to. I have faith. I have an amazing dog who is the joy of my day, everyday. I have 2 cats who are a constant source of laughter. I mean seriously I don't know another cat who can meow for 30 seconds straight like mine. It's pretty humorous. So for all the stressy things that are surrounding me at the present moment... I'm just trying to look at the silver lining. Give myself a positive boost for the day. Reminding myself that even though things are pretty out of control at the moment, God is still in control and still throwing out the blessings, I just have to look a little harder to find them.

That's all. Happy day! : )

By the way... KERRY, I am on page 437 of HP7... I will finish it this week and then we can finally talk about it. I'm such a slacker.

Friday, October 12, 2007

what the fuck is it anyway?

love i mean.

is it emotion? action? both? is it supposed to be practical? irrational?

i've known love. we were together once. will we be again?

have i let go of enough love to let more love in? is that why my walls are up to my face in cynicism?

i've been broken. built up. then broken again. and then i put on my big girl panties and took control. or so i thought and just said no. to dating. to men. to possibility of love. then i fell again. so hard i broke my own damn heart. by not following my number one rule... trust yourself. i *knew* it was wrong. from the beginning. but i let myself go because i let my floaty heart take over. and now what?

it hurts to think of being in love again. because my head is forecasting the inevitable. the absolute horror of the broken heart. the one thing you wish would kill you but it never will. it will make you cry. it will make you eat more quarts of ice cream than a grocery store can stock. it will make you ache as if you had actually undergone a triple bypass. but it will never let you out of it's miserable little hands and let you just die of a broken heart. because as some say... this too shall pass.

but does it? if you break a dish... is it ever really the same? you can glue it back together but it still appears to be broken. and if you weren't the one to break it you wonder how it happened. who broke it. and usually you put it away and try to find another that is whole.

am i the broken dish? the beautiful white handcrafted dish with blue handpainted strokes... superglued but never the same. never the original. always put back in the cupboard. treasured, yes. but used? not usually.

i want to feel whole again. not jaded. or pessimistic. not cynical or realistic. not superglued.

not that a man can fix that. but if your heart, the place where your emotions and dreams and goals are stored, is broken. how does it mend? if the very thing that broke it was a man, does a man have to fix it? or do you just "get back in the saddle" and ride again and hope to God that this time... this time the ride will be a success. this time you won't fall off.

there's a saying... "you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair."

i can't decide if i'm 5 or 65. fear, doubt, despair... these are things i am all too familier with. but my faith, self-confidence, and hope have always driven me to move forward like a child. with reckless abandon they run. but now i have that little voice inside my head that is always saying... "be careful" "watch out" "don't fall" especially in love...

Thursday, August 30, 2007

yeah... bye!

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

i sure did...

Monday, July 9, 2007

a few more lessons learned

1. Sunblock.... eyelids! :)

2. No matter how many times you try to fold your thong... it will ALWAYS come unfolded so just stop wasting your time and throw it in the damn drawer.

3. If your nephew (or other small child) asks for bunny milk... do not look at him strangely... he is simply referring to milk with Nesquik.

4. Polishing your toenails after half a bottle of wine could result in painted cuticles and/or toilet seats.

5. Charter does not employ American customer service reps...stop calling back to see if you'll get someone who speaks clear English.

6. Michigan drivers will never use their turn signal at the appropriate time... therefore always assume that the person in front of you is turning right or left. It's hard but try to read their minds and steer accordingly.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

But if we are the body, why aren't His arms reaching?

So I saw that guy from Korn wrote a book about his new found faith and I started posting about it on another site and had to add it here too. Personally I think it's great and worth reading. It just goes to show you that no one is out of reach of the hand of God and that finding God does not mean that you have to conform to organized religion. I read this great passage in my devotional the other day that said "There is a vast difference between devotion to a person and devotion to principles or a cause -- He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself." I love this because I am SO sick and tired of Christians believing that because they follow all the rules they are going to heaven or that by following all the rules they are showing their love and devotion to Christ. Sorry, but I can follow the rules and laws of this country and still not be devoted to the leaders. I can follow the rules at work and still hate my boss. Following rules does not equal devotion and/or love. I'm glad that Brian is speaking out about his faith in a way that will draw people in rather than make them feel like there are a huge set of rules that come along with loving God and being devoted to Him. Yay Brian!

There's this song by Casting Crowns that I *love* called "If We Are The Body" Basically it's about how Christians can be so judgemental. It's a great song. Here are the lyrics...

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is
carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road


Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ


Jesus is the way

Yeah, I've seen it. In my own church too. I can honestly say that I've probably been guilty of it myself. I hope that whoever it was that I was looking up and down with my evil judgemental glances didn't notice. But I am willing to admit that I've probably done it. Maybe even more than once. Funny how I can't remember when or where and even *if* I've done this, but I bet I can tell you of three times it happened to me. I bet I can give you details too. Pretty sad that we don't remember being mean to someone but can remember every minute detail of when wrong was done to us. Pretty sad... pretty ridiculous! What really breaks my heart is that maybe the person or people I did that to still remember it. Maybe they even hate God because of something I did. Maybe, but I hope not. I hope my opinion doesn't matter *that* much to anyone. Especially since my opinions change as I grow.

I'm reading a pretty classic devotional right now called "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. It's the updated version. It's such a great devotional though. Everyday is one teeny page, but it packs in SO much that sometimes I have to read it over 3 or 4 times to get everything that he's trying to say. It's poignant and so completely relevant to now even though the original book was written in 1935. I think God is amazing in that way. That He can give us a standard and no matter how much technology we have, no matter what paths we follow... it still holds true for all of us. I like that God is so simple and completely complicated all at the same time. It gives me hope. Haha! Kidding.

In all seriousness, if you're looking for a devotional and you're super busy but you want something to fill you up daily without having to set aside 5 hours of intense bible study to finally arrive at a point... buy this book. It's great.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

maybe i am....

jealous, controlling, paranoid, possessive, frustrated, semi-untrusting and just plain scared.

but i'm also loving, honest, trustworthy, kind, giving, caring, faithful, hardworking, beautiful, intelligent, intuitive, fun, understanding, a good listener, and trying my best to forget the past god damn it.

i can't hurry up and heal. it doesn't work that way. i feel better about you now than i did when i met you. i feel safe in your arms at night when we sleep. i feel secure in my place in your life. i feel grateful to have you in mine. so what if i miss you when you're gone. so what if i like to do things with you. yeah i get mad when you talk about all the things we can't do together because you can't "run slow, play slow, or let me win" because it's boring. i get frustrated when i just want to relax with you and cuddle and you have to call every friend to see what they're up to. i'm not sorry i ask questions. i like to be in the know. i like to have the answers no one else gets. i like the inside edition. i'm tired of being on the outside. let me in like i've let you. let me be your shoulder. let me be your rock. take down that hard wall and stop making me climb.

i love you. the way you look at me. the way you make me think. the way i feel when i'm with you. i love your intelligence. i love your blue eyes. i'm trusting you as much as i can with the information you've given me. so start talking and my trust will rise. start showing me and you'll be satisfied. stop giving me reasons to back away. stop showing me that i need to protect myself.

because i love you and i want a future with you. but we need to compromise.

Monday, May 7, 2007

i got a tattoo

shocking... i know. but it's very "me" as they say. it's pink and black. (of course) see pics in the tattoo album. i'll take a better "after" pic when i get a minute.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

what's this?

Pretty sure this is lonely. My stomach hurts, I'm bored, I want someone to talk to. I still have a few more months (7 to be exact) until my one year of singleness is up. I'm pretty committed to it. So why am I feeling lonely? I *like* having time to myself. Maybe it's all the smooshed together faces on myspace with comments like "us on valentine's day" "US at christmas" "WE were being goofy". It's almost gag worthy. But then, it's sweet too.

The evolution of my heart is really starting to aggravate me. I didn't think about the consequences of taking on singledom for a year. No dating. No innocent coffee. No boys allowed. For one year! But the consequences are that inevitably at the end of the year I will probably want companionship. What I didn't think through was the fact that I wouldn't suddenly wake up one day in August and be ready. It would be gradual. I didn't think about the fact that 5 months in, I might start to want someone around. The feeling fades, I can assure you of that, but it's definitely there. It's here today. It's not even sex that I miss. I'll be real and honest here. It's the intimacy. Someone knowing all my secrets and loving me anyway. I loved having someone to talk to 24 hours a day about the stupid stuff. I loved doing things for someone else, even if it was just grabbing them a sweatshirt while I was getting my jammies on. It meant there was someone else there. I loved laughing at each other. The thing is though, tomorrow I will remember that I hated fighting. I hated the gut dropping feeling of knowing I had just been burned. Again. I'm afraid of it happening again. It keeps me wanting this lifestyle.

The funny thing is I've discovered you can actually do all of those most hated things with yourself. Fighting with yourself over whether to eat the stupid ice cream when you feel like crap or just to cut up an apple and be done with it. Fighting with yourself over your college decisions and career moves. Getting angry at yourself for living in a coma for 3 years. Struggling over what to do next. Drilling yourself with 20 questions of why you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't. Going through the what ifs and should haves. Then there's the I wonders. And then the inevitable will I evers. The I wants.

Hopefully by August I will get a grip or actually HAVE a grip. In the meantime though, I need an apple.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

me talk pretty one day....

but not today.  i can't even fake it.


What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?"  Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Midland
The Northeast
The South
The West
North Central
What'>http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_american_accent_do_you_have">What American accent do you have?
Quiz'>http://www.gotoquiz.com/">Quiz Created on GoToQuiz


The thing is... when I first moved to Seattle I was made fun of so continously that I made myself not speak like this anymore.  It was funny too because I then realized how horrible the Michigan accent really is. I would talk to my mom on the phone and she would say something like "... and it was only five DOLLARS!"  She sounded like she was screaming the DO.  Instead of aw it was AHHHH. Also, back when I spoke like a normal person, soda was soda, not pop.  Now I sound like a fool again and because my friends love me, they like to remind me on a daily basis. Apparently when I say "and" I sound whiney.  And yeah, I say pop now too. 


Here's the kicker though, put me in Boston for a month and you would think I was from there, put me in the south, same thing.  I pick up accents like nobody's business. So while I would love to claim that it's my love for Michigan that makes me speak this way, it's not.  It's just a hidden talent.        


I'm sick so I've been stuck inside for the past few days. No energy to really do anything. The only thing I can think of to do that sounds mildly entertaining is to cook something yummy for dinner. Like chicken parmigian. I hope I can eat it. I thought about going to see a movie but that entails getting dressed and spending money and neither of those sound appealing. I could go to church tonight but coughing all over everyone is kind of rude. And I hate the sniffy person in church. It's like they're trying to be heard on the recording so later on in life they can have a claim to fame when their pastor becomes a televangelist. "Hey listen to this guys! Hear the sniffing... totally me." Jerk.

Board games are meant for 2 and up. I could create an imaginary friend, but you know, I wasn't really planning on going off my rocker this weekend. I could play solitaire but then my right hand will get cold from sitting on the computer all day. I could talk on the phone if my voice worked. I could go through pictures and make a mess but then I'll get tired and I won't want to pick up all the thousands of pics all over the floor. Then my cat will lick them all because she has a fetish with licking tape, envelopes, sticky notes and pictures. My dog will think she's getting closer to him because she wants to play so then he'll chase her and the piles will get unorganized. She'll get mad at the dog and chaos will ensue. I'm too tired for chaos.

So cooking is really my only option here. Guess I'll go defrost some chicken.

Monday, January 29, 2007

sweetest thing ever....

I recently acquired a new part time job picking up 4 kids from school and taking them home. They are the sweetest kids. So today it is snowing like crazy out and I'm late picking them up. It sucks. And then it takes 8 years to get them home because the roads SUCK. Icy/snowy/slushy/sucky. So I get them home with all of their parts and the oldest girl hands me all these papers. SOOOOO cute!

On the first page it says Thank you Miss Kalley! (yes it's spelled wrong who cares!?) and then she drew a blue car underneath it. *aw* Then the next page says:

Thank you for bringing us home from school today, you are the best!

To: Miss. Kalley

Love: Neely (last name here)

Then the next page (I KNOW! Can you believe how many pages!) is Miss. Kalley in block letters in red and blue.

And then on the next page is ME in the middle in a blue dress and with curly hair and the four of them on either side of me. It's so funny. I have these giant red lips and the girls all have small lips and then the brother has giant red lips too. LOL!

Then the last page just says Thank You

Is that not the sweetest thing EVER!? It's only the FIRST day!!!! Can you imagine what migth happen on my birthday!?

I just had to share. It was TOO cute.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

love but hate

I have to go grocery shopping today. On my new dumb budget. Ok, here it is. I love grocery shopping. It's always an adventure. I love getting a cart because mine is ALWAYS broken. It either veers right or left, maybe one of the wheels gets stuck, or it just makes a rockin' noise. I love walking through the produce section because people always look at me funny when I pick something up and put it back. I have zero etiquette when it comes to that. I'm not buying a nasty apple just because I touched it. I don't care. It'll make you wash your stupid food before you eat it (and you should anyway). You know the farmer picked his nose and the produce guy at the store is 16 and Lord knows where his hands have been. (I'm betting on no hot water.) I also love how there are 17 different kinds of ketchup, but it's hard to find 4 rolls of toilet paper. You may only buy 24 triple rolls.

I love how a lady will park her giant ass cart (I realize it's not ACTUALLY bigger than my own) in the middle of the aisle and then glare at you when you gently move it over so you can get past. You'd think it would be okay with her since she's at the OTHER end of the aisle. I love that I always forget to get dog food and then have to figure out a place for the 50lb. bag among the eggs, tomatoes, and glass jars of whatnot. I love looking for an ingredient that SHOULD be in the spice aisle but find it in the canned foods. I love when I spontaneously buy something not on my list.

My absolute favorite thing about the grocery store though has GOT to be checking out. It's the highlight of my bi-week. As an American I am always in a hurry even when I'm not, so I always look for the shortest aisle. A caution for Americans actually in a hurry. There's a reason there's only one person in this lane. It will be one of these three:

A) It's a new cashier. (New cashiers... can't find the code for bananas, don't know how to redeem a gift certificate, and bag slow.)

B) The person wanted their groceries to be rung up in 3 separate transactions, they bought the wrong juice, or forgot the bread. (I am NOT making fun of WIC people, don't even try it. I'm just making a factual observation.)

or (and this is my personal fave)

C) Manager register 3!! (BTW, said manager is either on a break, cleaning up glass and honey in aisle 80, or "didn't hear the call".)

I always get the short aisle. And I always stand in line for 20 minutes without fail. A theory is that I could go grocery shopping 5 times and get 12 items each time and check out in the self checkout lane, but guess who's in the self checkout? Yeah. Foreigners... who can't read English. Or old people, who can't figure out that you have to put the ITEM IN THE BAG before scanning the next item.

Another of my favorite things about checking out...

I am anal about which food goes in which bag with which other food. I specifically place my food in such an order that it will end up this way when I get home for ease of stocking. However, not once have I figured out how the frozen stuff ends up with a cereal box in it. What. the. F. Then comes the bill...

I suck at food budgets. I do. Because I always think of something I want to make for the week and then I turn around and go searching through the aisles again. Then I get home and realize I forgot the chicken for it. Which then leads to another cart, another glare, another cashier and another messed up bag. All because I suck at food budgets. I get so excited when I finally get up to the cashier and slide my card that I forget about the amount that was just up on the screen. My receipt says, "Congratulations! You saved $0.09!!" with a big red circle around it like I'm awesome, so I must be. Then I get home and shudder.

But I do like grocery shopping. The shopping part. I like looking at food. Smelling produce, finding the squarest box, getting the last _____. It's fun! Especially when the aisle hog wanted it.

Well, off I go. With a list. *boo* And a budget. *hiss*

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

for your listening enjoyment....

For all my stalkers who have been visiting and not leaving a trace of their identities, I've added some music. So while you rummage through my space you now have some fantastic if not hilarious music to listen to. It's all entertaining. I charge you to grab a beverage and stay awhile even. Some are reflective of my true feelings and some are flashbacks from my youth. Others are just great classic songs that belong on all playlists, at least if you're any self RESPECTing woman. Some will make you pee your pants laughing... or maybe they'll make you go shit on the coats?

If you dare to understand any of this blog... I encourage you to check out the playlist.

Suggestions are welcome. Afterall.. you're the one that has to listen to it.

Monday, January 22, 2007

i hope they can read this!


To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The

other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw

print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it

becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing

in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating

me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I

fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry

about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure

your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they

sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other

stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking

tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to

maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by

some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw

under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the

same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years

--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the

furniture. (That's why they call it furniture).

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter

who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.

2. Don't ask for money all the time.

3. Are easier to train.

4. Usually come when called.

5. Never drive your car.

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

9. Don't wear your clothes.

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and ....

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics



creepy trakzor

Who ARE you people!?

There are some folks who are looking at my page and it's totally fun. I love meeting new people. But could you please not freak me out? I would love a comment or a message or *something* so I don't just see so and so from kabel, 07 show up on my trakzor.

*shudders* creepy.

God gets TEN!

So as I'm growing personally and spiritually I have come to the conclusion that my time and money are not being used as wisely as they could be. God gives me everything that I have. He provides for my needs and then some. He gives me encouragement, He provides my everyday human needs (food, water, chelter, clothing, heat, etc.), and He provides my time. Of course we never know how much is doled out to us so my challenge to myself is this: God gets TEN.

If you're a Christian you've heard about the 10% rule before. If you can even call it a rule. God provides 100% of what I have and only asks that I return 10%. He LETS me keep the remaining 90% for myself. It's an abundance when you look at it like this...

Your mother or grandmother or whoever cooks Thanksgiving dinner. (We'll use grandma for this.) She provides the turkey, rolls, mashed potatoes, veggies, desserts, appetizers, table, chairs, plates, napkins, etc. What if she said to you... I only want 10%... but YOU (insert your name here) can have the remaining 90%. Hello... I can NOT eat 90% of a turkey plus 90% of all the fixings.. That is an abundance of food, plates, napkins, etc. I do not NEED all of that, but she gave it to me so therefore I should use it wisely. Therefore, I decide to share my 90% with my family and friends joining me.

God only wants 10% of my (His) time and 10% of my (HIS) money. I've broken it down like this...

In one day I have: 24 hours. That means God only wants 2.4 hours of my day. OR 16.8 hours of my week. OK, done.

Monday: BINGO with my old folks and bible study = 2.5 hours

Tuesday: Girls on the Run and bible study = 3.5 hours

Wednesday: BINGO and bible study = 2.5 hours

Thursday: Girls on the Run, bible study and small group= 4.5 hours

Friday: bible study = 1 hour

Saturday: bible study and prayer walk = 2 hours (every month 3rd week of the month greeting and church... add an hour)

Sunday: church (every 4th week ushering) (3rd week of the month, bible study and ??) = 1 hour plus rest

My income is private and I won't post it however I will tell you that I am recommitting myself to tithing. I think it's important, I believe in the power of it, and I love my church, so giving 10% isn't a big deal to me. This church has given me so much already. New friends, peace (that's worth 90% if you ask me!!!), love and opportunity. I don't have many things in my life that I can honestly say have provided all of these things.

Why the sudden lightblub moment? Who knows? It's just something that was placed on my heart today and I prayed about it and decided it was worth the follow through. It's something I've thought about and never followed through on. It's a commitment, but a great one.

The reason I am sharing this with you is because I believe that there's someone reading who needs this message as much as I did(do). To stop being selfish and to start giving. To have the ability is a blessing. Not everyone can. I am thankful to God for giving me the ability and for making me look at my situation honestly. A week ago I would have told you that I couldn't afford the money or the time or wasn't ready or didn't want to.... God has a funny way of knocking you upside the head sometimes. I know He's giggled at my decisions on more than one occasion. Probably even more than once today! The thing is... I believe God when He says He will provide when I give. A week ago I wasn't quite sure. I believe Him when He says rely on me, that I can, and when He says have peace in me, that I will have peace.

There are always obstacles and there are always hard times but those are the times to lean closer, rely more, and have peace with Him.

For the skeptics.. no I didn't just get back from a Seminar, nor did I hear or read anything about this subject. It was simply laid on my heart today. Actually it was when I was counting my $3 in tips. And then again tonight. He's knocking, better answer. That's as simple as it was for me. My prayer is that my challenge for myself will bless someone else. That's all.

Have a great Tuesday! :)

Sunday, January 21, 2007

funniest article... ever!

The New Must-Have for Men....


Saturday, January 20, 2007

yay for updates!

I realized I hadn't updated in a while so I figured I could get on that. Nothing too exciting though so don't hold your breath. Ok, hold your breath.

So what I've been up to... working less and less hours at work and considering a position I was notified of that offers better pay, more structure, more talent and less bullshit. So I've heard anyway.

I'm also volunteering a LOT. I'm a greeter and an usher at church on different weekends. It's so much fun I can hardly stand it. Making people smile has got to be the BEST job ever. I'm also going in on Monday to get my TB test and my tour of a rest home for my next volunteering endeavor... BINGO with old folks. Anyone who knows me knows how perfect this is. It's going to be a blast no matter what you say. BINGO rocks. If you don't like it that means you've never gotten a BINGO and I'm sorry for you. Ha! Seriously. Moving on... I'm also a head coach for a Girls on the Run team. We start in March. I have a great assistant who also happens to be my friend. We are looking forward to having the best GOTR team this year. We're both overly energetic so this is going to be just a ton of fun. We had training on Friday and learned all these cute little cheers... like the lawnmower, the pencil sharpener, and my personal favorite... the can opener. We have a 5K in May so for those of you who would like to come support us, throw it on your To Do list and come cheer for us!! My other volunteering thing that really doesn't take much time at all is a March of Dimes committee. My nephew was born 2 months premature and I have gotten really involved in this program. I love their values and I love the fact that they are saving babies lives. I will be starting a fundrasier soon so keep your eyes peeled for that if you're interested in helping me raise money for the walk and saving more and more babies!!

My other project as of late is convincing the public that I am not on the market. I'm really truly looking only for myself right now... no one else. Sometimes I have to convince myself but that's only because I get lonely. I can be honest and admit that. It's been great though. Watching girlie movies, playing with Hercules (who has a new fascination with biting his toe nails... weirdo), reading great books, and most importantly letting God come into my life again and fill me up. Last night I was lying in bed and Hercules jumps up and puts his head on my tummy. I felt so lonely. So I started to pray and I asked God to please move my self discovery along so I could want to feel for someone else again. I told Him I felt lonely. And INSTANTLY there was a voice saying... But I'm here. And Hercules sighed and I realized that I'm not really alone. I have 2 fantastic attention starved cats that are constantly rubbing up against one leg or another, a great dog serving as my protector, and God eternal. For now, this is how it's supposed to be.

Yeah, I miss hugs and kisses. I miss cuddling and holding hands. I miss the inside jokes and the comfortable silences. I miss loving someone.

But the kind of man that I want will be better off when I can get through this and come out on top. I will love him more, hug him more, and let him into my heart without him having to climb over a wall. For now, I'm a friends only Myspace. Serious relationships need not apply.

I'm also working on my health. Physically, emotionally and spritually. I have an awesome small group with a bunch of girls who are so completely different and yet we fit together perfectly. We're studying an awesome book called Believing God by Beth Moore. If you are interested in digging in and getting deep and passionate about your faith... this is an excellent study. Throughout the study there is a fair amount of reflection where you are asked to find the blessings hidden in your past. I have found so many and have made so much peace with my childhood and with myself and with God. My anger towards Him has softened and we're now walking together again. I highly recommend this book if this is the kind of thing you are searching for.

Girls on the Run has inspired me to start running again which is so fantastic. I had let it go last year for lots of reasons, one being injury, another being depression. I was starting to get really great at it and I just let it go. It's also made me really think and choose what I do with my body. I don't drink caffeine anymore which has been surprisingly energizing. I quit eating fast food just because it was easier on the way home and starting eating healthier more energy inducing foods like carrots, oranges, apples, and sandwiches. Instead of tacos and fries. I was starting to hate looking in the mirror which didn't help anything, especially my business. I'm working on the stressful days. It's so easy to go for a cigarette because it's not food (which I'm trying to stay away from) and I'm not to the point yet where exercise releases stress. I'll get there though and since I'm not a daily smoker which I think is revolting, I'll be ok. I don't even like to smoke as it is but it DOES relieve stress. Whatever. Double-edged sword.

As far as my business goes, moving to Holland was definitely a smart move. In the past 2 months I have made more contacts that I did all of last year. Solid contacts/customers. My next job is to work on my portfolio which requires models, which requires me going out in public and talking to strangers, which requires confidence. Can I do it? Yes. Will I do it? Let's hope so!

I've also been hanging out with my friends a lot lately and making new ones. Always a good idea to increase your circle of influence with positive people.

Beyond that, it's mostly family time. Hanging out and growing closer with my sister and my nephew, and my brother in law too I suppose. Talking to my mom for long spans of time. Sleeping in on Sundays. :)