i hope they can read this!

PET RULES



To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.



Dear Dogs and Cats:



The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The

other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw

print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it

becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing

in the slightest.



The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating

me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I

fall faster than you can run.



I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry

about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure

your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they

sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other

stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking

tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to

maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by

some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw

under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the

same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years

--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough!



To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door:



To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:



1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the

furniture. (That's why they call it furniture).

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter

who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.



Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:



1. Eat less.

2. Don't ask for money all the time.

3. Are easier to train.

4. Usually come when called.

5. Never drive your car.

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

9. Don't wear your clothes.

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and ....

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.