Wednesday, December 14, 2005

um.... princesses don't DO manual labor

So I wake up this morning to a note from my loving mother asking me to please shovel a walkway for the UPS guy. *insert screwed up face here* 1) Princesses don't DO manual labor and 2) I pulled a muscle yesterday. I key muscle for doing that kind of job! She was there! Is she nuts? I can barely move the mouse around let alone shovel snow! Feet of it to boot! So yeah, I pulled a muscle. You'll laugh once I tell you how I did it. I'll leave it for the end. Oh the suspense. I pulled a rib muscle though, one that goes from right under your boob all the way around the body to the spine. And it really hurts. I mean, laughing, coughing, clearing my throat, etc. are all out it hurts so much. Giggling warns me not to laugh. After I pulled it my mom had to take my bra off for me since I sure as hell couldn't reach around back there and do it myself. She's laughing at me hysterically all the while. I'm in major pain today though. Sleeping did not help at all. So you wanna know how I pulled this muscle that is causing me SO much pain?

I sneezed. No shit. I sneezed hard and I pulled a major muscle. You can stop laughing now. No seriously.

Fine. I'm out.

Friday, December 9, 2005

i love my animals... but Jesus H. Christ!

So far I am not having much luck with my animals today! Case in point: The first thing I woke up to was a dog/cat fight. Which is usually a daily occurance, but today it was on the bed, and I was almost a casualty of war. Then I proceed to let the dog outside to let him get all of his good morning energy out. He comes inside and everything is good and right in the world. So I get breakfast which these days is Special K and a banana. I'm eating my cereal and soon my spoon is being raped by the cat, she NEEDS the milk like crack or something. I push her away and she hits me back. (My cats do this from time to time. Feisty bitches.) So she goes and lays down on the other side of the desk. I finish the cereal and Hercules comes in chewing something inedible from the trash can. (also a daily thing) I try to get him to spit it out but he chews faster and swallows it. Nice. So I'm sure later we will have a doggie accident. So while I"m tending to the dog, my banana is free reign to the cat lying on the desk. So she goes and lays down on it. On my open banana. What. the hell? So I try to get her off of it because usually I reassemble the banana when I put it down so I'm thinking I might be able to salvage it. Oh no, not today I'm not! There's hair. All over it. And a foot print to boot.

Why do my animals do this? Do they think it's funny to torture their human? I love them, I do. I would never get rid of them. But if they don't stop stepping in my food, trying to eat inedible objects or trying to kill each other... I'm going to hang them all by their 4 little legs from the ceiling with santa hats on. Maybe not, but good GOD could I get a break!?

Monday, December 5, 2005

Home Remedies

Received this... thought i would share it...


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up a chance to pee, and never underestimate a fart.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Monday, November 28, 2005

funny jokes for a rainy monday...

The Convention Speaker

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over
at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet
your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a
measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was
working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two
inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is
feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think
I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

one more....

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride bikes!!!

Ok I'm done now! Have a great day!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

something to ponder...

This is part of Nelson Mandela's Inaugural address in 1994. It's really powerful! And so true!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God, your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.