Sunday, April 27, 2008

i'm good at this.


A dream is ending for me. But another chapter is starting and it's time for me to accept the change. When I moved to South Carolina back in September I was so excited and so happy to be moving. I was doing something for *me* not for anyone else. I wasn't moving here to be with a guy or to make anyone proud of me. I just did it. And I did it on my own. I sold what I had to make the money to move. I moved all of my stuff to my mom's and drove to South Carolina with whatever I had in my car and that was it. The beginning of a new chapter in my life.

I've made some amazing friends, I have a good job, I live in paradise and I absolutely love it here. I've lost a friend or two, but they weren't true friends anyway. I will miss it here. Really and truly. I've learned so much about myself. I've gained my confidence back and have healed my heart. I've learned how resilient I really am and that I can take whatever life brings me. I've learned the way of the south and have seen how much different it is across that Mason Dixon line. I've experienced new things that I never thought I would be able to. I've seen cities and towns that I've always dreamt about but they were never really within reach. I found love. I found lifelong friends. And I realized my true potential. These are all things I can take with me away from this beautiful place, and I intend to.

But it's time to move on. With my roommate and best friend moving home to TN to help her family and be with her boyfriend, I am left to ponder my next move. Luckily, I have a wonderful man by my side to help me. I'm moving home to Michigan to my family and get to be near my nephew again and I'll get to know my niece. I'm really excited for that. It might sound ridiculous but I'm not as excited to move home as I was to move down here. Fulfilling a lifelong dream will do that. But I'm sure I have a lot of great things in store for me when I move home too. Granted gas is higher, jobs are few and far between and there will be a lot of obstacles... but I'm sure that happiness is waiting for me there. New friends, new great memories, new surroundings... Those are all things that I love about moving.

My family is taking the news as bittersweet. My grandma couldn't be happier and is so excited to see me again and I am thrilled to see her too and be able to spend time with her. My mom is worried sick and has nothing fantastic to say. My sister hasn't responded but I'm sure she is rowing along in mom's boat. It's frustrating for me. This isn't an easy thing to have to face... leaving your dream. It would be nice if they would realize that and at least try to put on a happy face.

For now though, we have a lot of work ahead of us. Packing, moving north, quitting a job I love and hate, leaving my friends that I love, and accepting another change.

I can do it. I know I can.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

who is everyone?

mom has tony and whoever else beeps in to talk to her. i’m just some girl who lives in south carolina that she gave birth to 26 years ago.

my sister can’t help it.

my friends all have someone else they’d rather talk to.

he has other girls that he knew before me so of course they take priority. doesn’t matter if they ruin our relationship. i’m not that important or special anyway.

even though i bust my ass, i still get a laughable raise and a bonus fit for a beggar.

who am i to deserve these things anyway? obviously i did something to piss off the world because the world seems to be pissed off at me.

so why do i try so hard? why did i work 65 hours for nothing? why do i try and console and make people laugh or do nice things or post comments or say i love you when i know THIS is what i get in return?


Monday, April 7, 2008

bored and lonely leads to...

some light reading...

Rudyard Kipling (1865 – 1936)


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master;
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run--
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And--which is more--you’ll be a Man, my son!

and because i’m tired, i cried...

Phillis Wheatley (1753–1784)

To a Lady on the Death of Her Husband

Grim monarch! see, depriv’d of vital breath,
A young physician in the dust of death:
Dost thou go on incessant to destroy,
Our griefs to double, and lay waste our joy?
"Enough" thou never yet wast known to say,
Though millions die, the vassals of thy sway:
Nor youth, nor science, nor the ties of love,
Nor aught on earth thy flinty heart can move.
The friend, the spouse from his dire dart to save,
In vain we ask the sovereign of the grave.
Fair mourner, there see thy lov’d Leonard laid,
And o’er him spread the deep impervious shade;
Clos’d are his eyes, and heavy fetters keep
His senses bound in never-waking sleep,
Till time shall cease, till many a starry world
Shall fall from heav’n, in dire confusion hurl’d,
Till nature in her final wreck shall lie,
And her last groan shall rend the azure sky:
Not, not till then his active soul shall claim
His body, a divine immortal frame.

But see the softly-stealing tears apace
Pursue each other down the mourner’s face;
But cease thy tears, bid ev’ry sigh depart,
And cast the load of anguish from thine heart:
From the cold shell of his great soul arise,
And look beyond, thou native of the skies;
There fix thy view, where fleeter than the wind
Thy Leonard mounts, and leaves the earth behind.
Thyself prepare to pass the vale of night
To join for ever on the hills of light:
To thine embrace his joyful sprit moves
To thee, the partner of his earthly loves;
He welcomes thee to pleasures more refin’d,
And better suited to th’ immortal mind.

William Wordsworth (1770 – 1850)

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

One of my favorite poems of ALL time... sad but so beautiful. We should all have a love like this.

Should You Go First
By A.K. Rowswell

Should you go first and I remain
To walk the road alone,
I’ll live in memory’s garden, dear,
With happy days we’ve known.
In spring I’ll wait for roses red,
When fades the lilac blue,
In early fall, when brown leaves call
I’ll catch a glimpse of you.

Should you go first and I remain
For battles to be fought,
Each thing you’ve touched along the way
Will be a hallowed spot.
I’ll hear your voice, I’ll see you smile,
Though blindly I may grope,
The memory of your helping hand
Will buoy me on with hope.

Should you go first and I remain
To finish with the scroll,
No length’ning shadows shall creep in
To make this life seem droll.
We’ve known so much of happiness,
We’ve had our cup of joy,
And memory is one gift of God
That death can not destroy.

Should you go first and I remain,
One thing I’d have you to do:
Walk slowly down that long, lone path,
For soon I’ll follow you.
I’ll want to know each step you take,
That I may walk the same,
For someday down that lonely road
You’ll hear me call your name.