Tuesday, December 18, 2007

alone... but never alone

so it's kind of strange... my roommate left for TN for christmas. all is quiet in the house and I am slowly realizing that i haven't been by myself in a really long time. no one to talk to on the phone. not that i haven't tried but i'm just by myself. it's kind of nice. it's making me think a lot though. about life in general. you know how it is. you get alone and your mind just starts to wander.

for some reason when i'm alone my feelings suddenly get stronger and i'm so much more aware of my actual state of mind. like for whatever reason i'm really missing ed tonight and i'm feeling really conscious of the fact that i really am falling for him and that i'm nervous about why he won't give me what i want. and not the bullshit answer but the real one. i want a boyfriend and i want it to be him. there are plenty of guys out there that want to be with me and for whatever reason he doesn't want that with me. it's so irritating. why spend all the money and time and effort to come down here and meet me and sleep with me and get to know me if it's just going to end up as one big tease? i don't get it and it really hurts my feelings. why do i always fall for unavailable men? either emotionally unavailable or just plain non-committal. it's so frustrating.

i'm a beautiful, intelligent, hard working, funny woman. what's not to love? i am myself 100% of the time. i don't apologize for who i am. maybe that's what men want. and if that's true then i might as well just give up now. because i won't ever cower again. i will never be so weak that i will allow someone to cheat on me and stick around to watch my heart get broken. there is no pride in that. only stupidity.

i miss my family. i miss my roommate. i miss my best friend. the one who i came and saw on vacation. not the stressed out one that she is now. i feel like i've always got to have my guard up and be ready for an argument or some sort of conflict now. it's heartbreaking really.

work is sucking a cow tit right now too. everyone is so hell bent on getting things ready for christmas and selling this, that, and the other thing that they don't realize. we have a restaurant on our hands. we have to actually work at keeping it running. it's not going to order food for itself!!! it's also not going to schedule the employees or do paperwork. so while i understand the need for great customer service (which i provide) i have other shit to do too people!!!!!!!! and i don't want to work every second of my life. i'm all about hard work but even God got a break once in a while. hello!

i miss the simple life. but the money sucked. so i'm not really sure which is worse.

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