Saturday, February 17, 2007

what's this?

Pretty sure this is lonely. My stomach hurts, I'm bored, I want someone to talk to. I still have a few more months (7 to be exact) until my one year of singleness is up. I'm pretty committed to it. So why am I feeling lonely? I *like* having time to myself. Maybe it's all the smooshed together faces on myspace with comments like "us on valentine's day" "US at christmas" "WE were being goofy". It's almost gag worthy. But then, it's sweet too.

The evolution of my heart is really starting to aggravate me. I didn't think about the consequences of taking on singledom for a year. No dating. No innocent coffee. No boys allowed. For one year! But the consequences are that inevitably at the end of the year I will probably want companionship. What I didn't think through was the fact that I wouldn't suddenly wake up one day in August and be ready. It would be gradual. I didn't think about the fact that 5 months in, I might start to want someone around. The feeling fades, I can assure you of that, but it's definitely there. It's here today. It's not even sex that I miss. I'll be real and honest here. It's the intimacy. Someone knowing all my secrets and loving me anyway. I loved having someone to talk to 24 hours a day about the stupid stuff. I loved doing things for someone else, even if it was just grabbing them a sweatshirt while I was getting my jammies on. It meant there was someone else there. I loved laughing at each other. The thing is though, tomorrow I will remember that I hated fighting. I hated the gut dropping feeling of knowing I had just been burned. Again. I'm afraid of it happening again. It keeps me wanting this lifestyle.

The funny thing is I've discovered you can actually do all of those most hated things with yourself. Fighting with yourself over whether to eat the stupid ice cream when you feel like crap or just to cut up an apple and be done with it. Fighting with yourself over your college decisions and career moves. Getting angry at yourself for living in a coma for 3 years. Struggling over what to do next. Drilling yourself with 20 questions of why you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't. Going through the what ifs and should haves. Then there's the I wonders. And then the inevitable will I evers. The I wants.

Hopefully by August I will get a grip or actually HAVE a grip. In the meantime though, I need an apple.

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