riddle me this...

"I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball."
-unknown

tomorrow.

will it be another day of mediocrity? coffee, shower, gym, check things of the to do list, hobby, sleep....

or will something strike me?
will i hear the one message i have been needing to hear?
will i get my wish?
will i get my validation?

if i don't, will i decide then?

does my heart get broken? or maybe healed?
does the truth finally come out?
can i move on?

are the contradictions over?
have the double standards stopped?

does he? does he not?

am i a mother?

do i settle?
do i succeed?

am i happy?

the loaded ones, they bear too much
and some are meant for naught
others beg for closure though
some hasty and some thought
-kallay

questions.

the whys, the hows, the whens, the whos, the whats... of the 5 the why is hardest to answer. why did he die? why doesn't she love me? why is the earth round? why can't i be.... why why why? and yet we ask it. because maybe somewhere, someone will know. they will tell us of death's purpose and of love's or at least help us glimpse our own so that we may understand this piece of the puzzle. my mom has always told me that "hindsight is 20/20" and unfortunately she is right. sometimes in order to understand our future we must look back and reflect on our past. in order to learn and grow from the mistakes we have made we have to find where we went wrong in the first place.

i'm a clutz on my feet but also in life. so many times i have told myself to trust my instinct, trust my gut... and so many times i have ignored it. the hindsight teaches me to listen to myself. trust myself. BELIEVE in myself. because unfortunately i'm usually right. when the gut says to leave, it's time to leave. when my instinct tells me something is wrong, it usually is very wrong. there have been lies uncovered, affairs revealed, relationships ended and victories won just from listening to that soft thud in my gut.

it's thudding again.

starting to pound actually.

and it's ruining my day. stealing my sleep. littering my mind.

so... what to do. all these questions swirling around in my head. the emotions coming from out of nowhere. just poof! i'm crying. poof! i'm pissed. poof! i'm happy. poof! i'm annoyed. up and down and up and down like a motorized teeter totter unwilling to let me off! i'm strapped in and helpless. afraid to undo the clasp that keeps me safe, afraid to fall, afraid to fly. can't turn it off because then it all stops and i could get stuck in the air or slammed down to the ground! it's out of my control. the only way out is risk. i have to get off. in order to live, i must choose an escape. all are difficult. risky. challenging. but a few have happy endings.

my gut doesn't really tell me what to DO about the problem, but more what the problem actually is. typical... stupid gut. so while i know the answers to my questions... i don't really know the solutions just yet. there are variables. which always lead to more variables.

"time heals all wounds." well good for time. clap clap clap. time means tomorrow. and since we're never guaranteed tomorrow except in late night infomercials... what good does that saying even carry? i don't know any man, job, friend, or family member that has a lifetime guarantee. i can find you a few good knives though! juicer anyone? how about a rotisserie? so that means at some point... i'm going to mourn. a lost job, a friend, a man, and a family member...

but what happens when you have to mourn them all together and the family member is you? your life, your dreams, your goals, your ways.... not necessarily dead but gone for a while. let me tell you. you exist, but you do not live. you act, but no longer feel. you reach, but you do not strive. you feed, but you do not grow. and suddenly you're riding the teeter totter. wanting out but you don't know how.

welcome friends... to my teeter totter. my riddle. my life.