So I've been in a large funk lately. Moving down to South Carolina away from my family has been hard. I miss my nephew. I miss my mom. I miss my ducks at the pond from my old apartment as geeky as that sounds. It was so awesome waking up to that every morning.
Besides that I'm still working on getting over a relationship gone bad. I'm trying to understand it all. Love, relationships, where I fit into all of that. Apparently I suck at it. Either that or I'm just meeting all the wrong people. Who knows? Maybe both? Break up songs are helping. :)
Also, I fell at work. Pretty badly. My back looks like a wrung out dishtowel in the x-rays and my doctor is concerned because my chest and my shoulders are hurting. I'm frustrated because I can't work. I'm really not supposed to be doing much of anything but I can't sit here anymore and be stagnant. It's driving me batty.
All that said... I have a good life. I have a great family. I have a best friend who through thick and thin is my sister. We help each other get through this thing called life and it's great to know she's there day or night as I am for her. I have my health... that is to say I'm not dying. In lots of pain, sure. But I'm still alive. I'm pretty. Intelligent. I live on a beautiful island with an abundance of beauitful butterflies and wildlife everywhere. The ocean is 2 minutes away and always welcomes me with open waves. I have a car that doesn't sound like it's about to fall apart. I have something to look forward to. I have faith. I have an amazing dog who is the joy of my day, everyday. I have 2 cats who are a constant source of laughter. I mean seriously I don't know another cat who can meow for 30 seconds straight like mine. It's pretty humorous. So for all the stressy things that are surrounding me at the present moment... I'm just trying to look at the silver lining. Give myself a positive boost for the day. Reminding myself that even though things are pretty out of control at the moment, God is still in control and still throwing out the blessings, I just have to look a little harder to find them.
That's all. Happy day! : )
By the way... KERRY, I am on page 437 of HP7... I will finish it this week and then we can finally talk about it. I'm such a slacker.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
what the fuck is it anyway?
love i mean.
is it emotion? action? both? is it supposed to be practical? irrational?
i've known love. we were together once. will we be again?
have i let go of enough love to let more love in? is that why my walls are up to my face in cynicism?
i've been broken. built up. then broken again. and then i put on my big girl panties and took control. or so i thought and just said no. to dating. to men. to possibility of love. then i fell again. so hard i broke my own damn heart. by not following my number one rule... trust yourself. i *knew* it was wrong. from the beginning. but i let myself go because i let my floaty heart take over. and now what?
it hurts to think of being in love again. because my head is forecasting the inevitable. the absolute horror of the broken heart. the one thing you wish would kill you but it never will. it will make you cry. it will make you eat more quarts of ice cream than a grocery store can stock. it will make you ache as if you had actually undergone a triple bypass. but it will never let you out of it's miserable little hands and let you just die of a broken heart. because as some say... this too shall pass.
but does it? if you break a dish... is it ever really the same? you can glue it back together but it still appears to be broken. and if you weren't the one to break it you wonder how it happened. who broke it. and usually you put it away and try to find another that is whole.
am i the broken dish? the beautiful white handcrafted dish with blue handpainted strokes... superglued but never the same. never the original. always put back in the cupboard. treasured, yes. but used? not usually.
i want to feel whole again. not jaded. or pessimistic. not cynical or realistic. not superglued.
not that a man can fix that. but if your heart, the place where your emotions and dreams and goals are stored, is broken. how does it mend? if the very thing that broke it was a man, does a man have to fix it? or do you just "get back in the saddle" and ride again and hope to God that this time... this time the ride will be a success. this time you won't fall off.
there's a saying... "you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair."
i can't decide if i'm 5 or 65. fear, doubt, despair... these are things i am all too familier with. but my faith, self-confidence, and hope have always driven me to move forward like a child. with reckless abandon they run. but now i have that little voice inside my head that is always saying... "be careful" "watch out" "don't fall" especially in love...
is it emotion? action? both? is it supposed to be practical? irrational?
i've known love. we were together once. will we be again?
have i let go of enough love to let more love in? is that why my walls are up to my face in cynicism?
i've been broken. built up. then broken again. and then i put on my big girl panties and took control. or so i thought and just said no. to dating. to men. to possibility of love. then i fell again. so hard i broke my own damn heart. by not following my number one rule... trust yourself. i *knew* it was wrong. from the beginning. but i let myself go because i let my floaty heart take over. and now what?
it hurts to think of being in love again. because my head is forecasting the inevitable. the absolute horror of the broken heart. the one thing you wish would kill you but it never will. it will make you cry. it will make you eat more quarts of ice cream than a grocery store can stock. it will make you ache as if you had actually undergone a triple bypass. but it will never let you out of it's miserable little hands and let you just die of a broken heart. because as some say... this too shall pass.
but does it? if you break a dish... is it ever really the same? you can glue it back together but it still appears to be broken. and if you weren't the one to break it you wonder how it happened. who broke it. and usually you put it away and try to find another that is whole.
am i the broken dish? the beautiful white handcrafted dish with blue handpainted strokes... superglued but never the same. never the original. always put back in the cupboard. treasured, yes. but used? not usually.
i want to feel whole again. not jaded. or pessimistic. not cynical or realistic. not superglued.
not that a man can fix that. but if your heart, the place where your emotions and dreams and goals are stored, is broken. how does it mend? if the very thing that broke it was a man, does a man have to fix it? or do you just "get back in the saddle" and ride again and hope to God that this time... this time the ride will be a success. this time you won't fall off.
there's a saying... "you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair."
i can't decide if i'm 5 or 65. fear, doubt, despair... these are things i am all too familier with. but my faith, self-confidence, and hope have always driven me to move forward like a child. with reckless abandon they run. but now i have that little voice inside my head that is always saying... "be careful" "watch out" "don't fall" especially in love...
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