Thursday, January 22, 2009

thank you but goodbye

have you ever had an elephant sit on you? well... me either, but 2008 kind of felt like one. i felt like i couldn't breathe. uncomfortable in my own skin. uncomfortable being me, hating myself more and more everyday because i wasn't getting it. i knew there was a lesson to be learned but not until i crossed over the line into 2009 did i realize what it was. last year was about breaking my pride. it was about being humble. asking for help. which is much on the same level for me as singing in public. i've only done it once. alcohol was involved... from what i hear i did a great job but the only thing i remember is the terror.

2008 taught me a valuable lesson. i am never alone. not ever. there is always someone there to pick me up, dust me off, tickle my toes and pat my ass on the way out the door. always. if i need it, i can ask. no strings. no guilt trip. no lecture. just help. it started out that people knew i needed help but would never ask. so they just sent the national guard without the invite. as the year progressed though, it became easier and easier to ask for help until i started feeling the opposite. i no longer was afraid to ask. i knew when the right time for assistance was. i learned the boundaries of need and want and how their territories differed so greatly. it's a lesson i needed to learn. hellish as it was, i sit here... thankful? grateful to God for the opportunity to learn a lesson and embracing it without even knowing it. funny how hindsight is always 20/20.

when that clock struck midnight on new years' i was in a parking lot hugging friends and ready for a celebration. i felt a relief i had never felt before. i could *feel* the good energy of this year wrap around me like armor. nothing can stop me this year. i have learned to be humble. to take the crappy job and be patient for the good it will yield. to make lemonade out of lemons. to be independent and thankful. and i am thankful. thankful that i have a steady job with decent hourly pay. thankful for my promotion, though the details and raise are on hold until further notice. thankful for my wonderful friends. my sister and i are getting closer. my mom finally has a dog to keep her company. and happy blog boyfriend is about to pop out and surprise me. he is coming out of hiding.

i don't know how to explain why i feel this way, i just do. i just *know* this year is going to be good. not just better than last year but a really great year. it's almost like God is letting me off the hook. i made Him proud. he understood that i had really learned the lesson. that humble and patience go hand in hand. and that asking for help is not admitting failure, which happens to be one of my larger fears. asking for help is simple another avenue to succeed. when i know i have a hard day coming i have always said that today is a day i have to put my big girl panties on. now i say on hard days.... fuck the panties... i'm going commando, because i have quite and army behind me to back me up. i don't feel like i have to do everything alone anymore to feel successful.

my recap this time last year would have included being stranded in BFE, no money, broken car, almost dying and a shitty boyfriend. now... i am looking forward to a promotion that i have been patiently waiting for, i still don't have any money but my situation is not as dire, i have a car i can afford, and i have dated some really *nice* guys. they might not have stuck around for the show to start but you know... not everyone is looking for what i am and i understand that. my happily ever after is coming. i don't know when or how or who, but i know that this year is going to bring me true, lasting, something or other. by this time last year i was cursing 2008 with every 4 letter word i knew and now i want to throw God a $20 tip and tell him what a great job he's doing.

it's amazing how one minute of your life you are completely down trodden... and the next.. victorious. so to 2008 i say thank you. thank you and goodbye. an old friend i will never forget. a friend that taught me lessons i resisted. that taught me the power of my strength. but it's time to move on. our time has passed. it was a great year and may it rest peacefully behind me.

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