a side effect of single... nesting?

there must be some process of being single that i am unaware of. someone should warn you about the stages of one-ness. it's kind of like grieving.

phase 1. SINGLE AGAIN!!

newly single is fun. usually because you just subtracted some major loser asshole from your life and your friends are poring over you willing you to stop crying over said asshole. the drinking and dancing commences, you sing "i'm single again... back on the prowl..." at the top of your lungs and you meet your first rebound. so. much. fun.

and then he doesn't call and you replay the drinking hoe-down for a few months until you finally meet someone you actually *want* to call you back. and he doesn't.

phase 2. Eeyore

enter lonely. she's kind of a bitch. your friends have depleted their pick me up budgets and are now reduced to "wanna watch a movie with me and my boyfriend?" knowing you really don't want to but they feel guilty for leaving you alone. you eat a lot during this phase or not at all depending on your emotional eating habits. you date here and there resorting even to lame internet dating sites hoping "the one" happens to be on the site too. what you get in return are guys who are fat, short, ugly, mean, weird, scary or old. internet dating gets old so you move onto phase 3.

phase 3. Dating Other People's Friends (DANGER!!!)

blind dates and set-ups. this is the phase where you start getting picky. your friend says she knows a really great guy and instead of asking his name, you ask "what color car does he drive?" "how tall is he?" "does he have a job?" "does he have straight teeth?" "does he like college football?" you meet him. and then this scenario goes one of three ways... (one) he likes you, you like him, voila! a match. this is rare... moving on. (two) he likes you... you think he's repulsive. (three) you like him, he likes you, but he's not ready to commit, he just got out of a relationship, he doesn't have the financial stability for a relationship and other bullshit lines that actually mean "i thought you were hot and wanted to sleep with you, so i poured it on like ganache." your friend gets mad at him, he gets mad at your friend... just avoid this phase ok? if at all possible... don't date your best friend's boyfriend's best friend. ever. ever. ever. this phase sucks. mostly because you get your hopes up thinking your friends know you well enough to set you up with a great guy, but instead he fools everyone with that poker face and everyone ends up hurt in the end, including you. PLUS, you're still single and you get to move on to phase 4. (side note: neighbors are included in this phase because awkward cannot begin to describe the blasphemy of this type of relationship fallout. take it from me... don't go there. i know he's hot. but trust me... he's prettier to look at and wonder about than he is to get to know.)

phase 4. Suck Fest (enter year here) or Denial

i hate phase 4. phase 4 is boring. you don't date. you flirt. you have crushes like a 5th grade girl. you wear a lot of makeup and do your hair every day. you get asked out. but you turn them all down. you're like a giant tease in this phase. attracting men but you're so pissed you rebel. you convince yourself that being alone is so much easier then being in a couple. and then one day.. you break down.

phase 5. Green With Envy, Blue

sometime at the end of phase 4, you open your fucking eyes and see nothing but couples. and so phase 5 begins. oh, the rage!!! as the outsider you see how happy these people could be if they just... you get angry because they don't realize what they have. you get mad because your friends are engaged. people you knew from high school are getting married to each other and having babies. you are jealous. like. WOH. you want to be a we instead of a just me. you want this so bad that your jealousy becomes pain. this is usually the phase where you get over dating the assholes and start meeting the "nice" guys. the nice guys you get attached to quickly, start to really like and then something just isn't right and you stop dating. you even date guys that your friends like and THEY get disappointed when it doesn't work out. you take risks and date people out of your comfort zone. you get desperate. it's pathetic. eventually the jealousy subsides. you can hang around couples again. and you know you have entered phase 6.

phase 6. Nesting... And You Thought Only Preggos Did This!?

by this phase, you have weeded out the good, the bad, and the seriously ugly. you know what you want (sort of) but you are open to anything. not out of desperation, but out of curiosity. you are comfortable in your own skin. you feel content at home alone watching movies, reading books, and drinking wine. you also love hanging around your coupled friends that are no longer couples in your eyes, but just friends you can hang out with. you still want a relationship but you are more patient. you might date more than one person during this time. you might notice your friendships growing stronger because you are more concerned with yourself than with the obsession of singlehood. you want people who love you to be around because you miss the companionship. your work ethic improves. your health improves. you make important life changes. good things are happening everywhere you turn, and optimism is your middle name. true love is inevitable in this phase and only in this phase.

i am happily, finally, thank the lord jesus, in this phase. i'm no longer cynical or depressed. i am, however, turning into a living, breathing june fucking cleaver. i'm nesting, damn it. my roommate and i have jokingly coined me as "the wife". i cook, i clean, i wash laundry and fold it. if you know me... you know my laundry usually ends up in two piles... clean laundry basket and dirty laundry basket. i'm not a messy person, i just hate folding laundry. now try to stop me, and you might lose an arm or an eye... which ever is closest to the flicking towel i am currently folding. i just can't help myself. messes annoy me right now. i just want my world to be neat and tidy. i want the smell of freshly baked cookies and muffins wafting through the air and laundry detergent in my life. i want real food. i want my friends. i want real honest to goodness companionship. it's the strangest feeling. contentment like this a year ago seemed impossible. i felt like i would forever be damned to the depths of single hell.

the everyday stresses are still looming precariously in the background, but my patience for these things has drastically improved. i'm back to my old self. diving into books, brainstorming new ideas, laughing and cavorting around like a child without worry. church seems possible again. change of the positive variety is about to jump out and smack me in the forehead. sex isn't something i need to feel good about myself, but something i want to share with someone special. i just want the pleasure of it, not the self indulgent "i've still got it" feeling that it was before. i don't have to prove to myself or to anyone else that i am great. i just know it now. not in an egotistical way, but in a self confident, high self esteem way. i love who i am and i don't feel like i need to flaunt it to get attention anymore. i'm not going to lie to myself and say that i *love* being single, but single sure beats not knowing who i am and being with someone who doesn't love me. i still want all of the things i did before, but i'm not as impatient.

this nesting thing really has me thrown for a loop though. who knew? accepting single = june cleaver. huh.