Wednesday, July 15, 2009

kroger. 10 pm. beware.

So today was a pretty crap day. I slept an hour and a half last night. My glasses have evaporated into thin air. Work just suuu-u-u-ucked. So I came home, had a leftover spaghetti snack, and moped. Then roomie came home, we chatted, decided on sonic for dinner and i wanted ice cream!! (oh i drank beer...) No longer sober.... we made our way to drop off some tables teresa sold and then went to sonic. well.... almost.

Teresa sees the Kroger sign and all bets are off. We go to Kroger. She wants to make breakfast in the morning for her awesome roomie (that's me), and her video production crew for her haircut tomorrow. (Her hair is loooong and she is donating it to locks of love... awww... our friends are taping it) So naturally she needs Eggos, syrup and eggs. Get to the parking lot. I'm completely cool with staying in the car because I don't generally leave my house in pjs. I'm not sober, my hair looks kind of like morning hair, I have on baggy palazzo pants, and a long sleeve old ass holey Michigan t-shirt that's kind of see through due to the amount of bleach it has received. So yeah... not REALLY! She begged. I gave in. I step one foot out of the car and know in my soul this is going to be one of THOSE trips.

There's a coach bus in the parking lot. That means there are people in there. 10 pm at Kroger is not prime shopping time. But tonight it was. So we walk in... I look to the left and immediately want to kill Teresa with my bare hands. To the left: every hot man in America. There was not an ugly one in the bunch. These were the coach bus occupants. At least 30 of them. At LEAST. So... as if my dignity is not dangling enough from my soul, I then proceed to run into a sign whilst staring at the hotness. I mean... really.

So we begin on our list of EGGOS SYRUP AND EGGS! Arrive at the syrup and we have to study the syrup. Because as if I don't look enough like an asshole, I have to now look like a fat asshole and study the syrup. Because it's THAT important. We choose a syrup. Head on down to the freezer aisle where I now realize I'm no longer wearing winter protection for my chest and wouldn't ya know it.... so now I'm walking through the store with my arms crossed holding Eggos.

Pass some more hot men that are NEVER at Kroger at 10 pm when I'm wearing CUTE clothes and look human.

Find the eggs, have to rearrange a carton to get a whole carton of unbroken eggs.

Go to the checkout. I refuse to look up in case I catch the eye of one of the men that are now staring... (we were the only women in the store... can't blame them) So we're checking out and next to me I hear Spanish blaring from the self checkout next to us. I had to look. HAD to. Dude is not spanish. Dude is not even sure what the checkout is saying. Dude... is weird. He looks at me, shrugs, and I say to Teresa "Welcome to Kroger!" And we get the giggles...

I thought we were giggling at the same thing.

But we weren't.

We get halfway out the door and Teresa busts a guffaw and says... "Did you see that!?"

Me: "Clearly!"

Teresa: (still about to pee herself laughing) "No!" hahahah "Did you see what he just did?"

All manner of things raced through my head. Maybe he gave me the finger because *I* was making fun of him for broadening his Spanish whilst *I* am in my pjs in public. Maybe Teresa did something evil.

Me: "Um... no"

Keep in mind.. we're halfway through the gauntlet of HOT here ok? I proceed to turn around stare at the weird spanish lover and STOP in the middle of the place and yell at Teresa "WHAT!?" "Tell me!"

Teresa: (hahahahahahaha) "That (haha) guy (snort) just grabbed his nipples and inhaled when you walked by and pinched himself while staring at you!" (hahahahahahah)

Me: "Are you serious?" "That's GROOOSSSAH!" I'm now facing spanish lover and screaming this... but ya know... beer and all that... I didn't realize my decibel.

I collapse in laughter and also disgust. We walk quickly out of the store while people giggle in our wakes. I vow to never again wear pjs to the store. Pray that the fashion gods will forgive me and not ever punish me like that again. Ever.

Finally made it to Sonic though. Still laughing... the drive thru chick got mad at us for laughing. But I couldn't help myself. It was too perfect. This stuff doesn't happen to normal people.

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