what's this?

Pretty sure this is lonely. My stomach hurts, I'm bored, I want someone to talk to. I still have a few more months (7 to be exact) until my one year of singleness is up. I'm pretty committed to it. So why am I feeling lonely? I *like* having time to myself. Maybe it's all the smooshed together faces on myspace with comments like "us on valentine's day" "US at christmas" "WE were being goofy". It's almost gag worthy. But then, it's sweet too.



The evolution of my heart is really starting to aggravate me. I didn't think about the consequences of taking on singledom for a year. No dating. No innocent coffee. No boys allowed. For one year! But the consequences are that inevitably at the end of the year I will probably want companionship. What I didn't think through was the fact that I wouldn't suddenly wake up one day in August and be ready. It would be gradual. I didn't think about the fact that 5 months in, I might start to want someone around. The feeling fades, I can assure you of that, but it's definitely there. It's here today. It's not even sex that I miss. I'll be real and honest here. It's the intimacy. Someone knowing all my secrets and loving me anyway. I loved having someone to talk to 24 hours a day about the stupid stuff. I loved doing things for someone else, even if it was just grabbing them a sweatshirt while I was getting my jammies on. It meant there was someone else there. I loved laughing at each other. The thing is though, tomorrow I will remember that I hated fighting. I hated the gut dropping feeling of knowing I had just been burned. Again. I'm afraid of it happening again. It keeps me wanting this lifestyle.



The funny thing is I've discovered you can actually do all of those most hated things with yourself. Fighting with yourself over whether to eat the stupid ice cream when you feel like crap or just to cut up an apple and be done with it. Fighting with yourself over your college decisions and career moves. Getting angry at yourself for living in a coma for 3 years. Struggling over what to do next. Drilling yourself with 20 questions of why you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't. Going through the what ifs and should haves. Then there's the I wonders. And then the inevitable will I evers. The I wants.



Hopefully by August I will get a grip or actually HAVE a grip. In the meantime though, I need an apple.

me talk pretty one day....

but not today.  i can't even fake it.

 

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North   You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?"  Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland	 
The Northeast	 
Philadelphia	 
The South	 
The West	 
Boston	 
North Central	 
What'>http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_american_accent_do_you_have">What American accent do you have? Quiz'>http://www.gotoquiz.com/">Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

 

The thing is... when I first moved to Seattle I was made fun of so continously that I made myself not speak like this anymore.  It was funny too because I then realized how horrible the Michigan accent really is. I would talk to my mom on the phone and she would say something like "... and it was only five DOLLARS!"  She sounded like she was screaming the DO.  Instead of aw it was AHHHH. Also, back when I spoke like a normal person, soda was soda, not pop.  Now I sound like a fool again and because my friends love me, they like to remind me on a daily basis. Apparently when I say "and" I sound whiney.  And yeah, I say pop now too. 

 

Here's the kicker though, put me in Boston for a month and you would think I was from there, put me in the south, same thing.  I pick up accents like nobody's business. So while I would love to claim that it's my love for Michigan that makes me speak this way, it's not.  It's just a hidden talent.        

bo(red)

I'm sick so I've been stuck inside for the past few days. No energy to really do anything. The only thing I can think of to do that sounds mildly entertaining is to cook something yummy for dinner. Like chicken parmigian. I hope I can eat it. I thought about going to see a movie but that entails getting dressed and spending money and neither of those sound appealing. I could go to church tonight but coughing all over everyone is kind of rude. And I hate the sniffy person in church. It's like they're trying to be heard on the recording so later on in life they can have a claim to fame when their pastor becomes a televangelist. "Hey listen to this guys! Hear the sniffing... totally me." Jerk.



Board games are meant for 2 and up. I could create an imaginary friend, but you know, I wasn't really planning on going off my rocker this weekend. I could play solitaire but then my right hand will get cold from sitting on the computer all day. I could talk on the phone if my voice worked. I could go through pictures and make a mess but then I'll get tired and I won't want to pick up all the thousands of pics all over the floor. Then my cat will lick them all because she has a fetish with licking tape, envelopes, sticky notes and pictures. My dog will think she's getting closer to him because she wants to play so then he'll chase her and the piles will get unorganized. She'll get mad at the dog and chaos will ensue. I'm too tired for chaos.

So cooking is really my only option here. Guess I'll go defrost some chicken.