Boot Scootin'

I don't call it "The Mitten" for nothing. Don't get me wrong, we are firm believers of the "Four Season Theory" and participate (almost) every year. The summers here are hot and humid, allowing for such activities as water skiing, boating and tanning the hide. Autumn is perfect for apple picking in your favorite long sleeved shirt and scarf, drinking cider and tree watching, what with it being a parade of Technicolor photosynthesis and all. Spring is full of April showers and May flowers, allergies included for the low low price of $24.99 for your prescription of 24-hour Zyrtec. Among the Four Seasons there lies a beast. Sure, he's handsome and covers the world in a blanket of white, blows it around to make it festive and encourages the outdoor treachery of snow shoeing, skiing and mobiling. But Old Man Winter surely knows that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Deep down he's a vindictive little man. Michigan is shaped like a mitten, fair warning I'd say! So when I made the decision to move up here to pursue a better relationship with my nephew and niece and to pursue the American dream of loving my job as much as it loves me ($$$!!)... I knew this day would come.

I need boots.

I haven't owned boots since I was in 2nd grade.

Old Man Winter (OMW) and I have not spoken in a little over 2 years, so still... no boots here!

But the time has come.

Everyone knows you can't just walk in the snow. You scoot. Sort of like an old person. Why? To simplify... when you walk normally your weight weeble wobbles back and forth between feet allowing for mass ass landings on the icy walkways. If you scoot, well... I'm convinced there are less bruises and broken bones involved. Still, scooting without proper footwear is just as dangerous as walking. For one, you're going to end up with snow drifts on the tops of your feet complete with wet socks and two, your jeans or pants will somehow be soaked all the way up to your knees. That's right, knees! I'm the dumbass walking around with the ballet shoes and pink All-Stars because somewhere between my 20+ years of experience in the snow and 2-3 years in the South I forgot how to do the boot scoot and also made serious fun of Uggs. They're ugly. Useful, but still ugly. (And also, I am not standing outside in 32 (or less) degree weather digging through boxes trying to find a pair of anything winter appropriate. It's a lost cause anyway. Lord knows I don't own anything of the sort.)So, with a frown on my face due to succumbing to what I still think is a fashion don't (if you live in the South), I have taken to the world wide webs to find the perfect pair of ugly foot protection. So far I have found nothing but mind boggling fashion statements. Mind boggling.

So, let's begin. Target sells boots in my (family's) price range so I began my search there. Search: boots. Result: hysterical laughter.

The first pair that appealed to me were these:



Two words: Memory. Foam. In your boots! And look at all the fancy colors! I'm a fanatic of pink (in case you haven't gathered) and by design I also enjoy bright colors. To be completely honest though, I noticed these boots in the order of memory foam and then bright colors. These are on my list. If I'm going to be all tragic fashion follower, I'm going to do it up and be bold and wear the ugliest boots I can find! Let's face it, the uglier it is, it's probably all the more fashionable. (Hello hounds tooth and leg warmers! Fingerless gloves anyone?) If I'm going to scoot around for the next 4 months, I might as well be bright and cheery doing it.

So I continued on my (un)happy journey of boot shopping and what to my wondering eyes should appear....



Alright, excuse me. I can walk in heels. I can even occasionally run in heels. (All of my friends are now laughing because they are imagining the face plant potential of this scenario.) But let's not add insult to injury here. I feel like I just found the Regretsy of Target.com! You want me, Kallay Clutz, to purposefully place hot pink plastic baggies over my very high heeled shoes and then... what? Because no way in hell can you (I) walk in these. And if you can, well then kudos to you ballerina, my coordination does not allow for such acrobatic acts as walking with elevated pink plastic Ziplocs for shoes. That's me asking for a hospital stay. Moving on...



I like boys, so these are out.



As are these, same reason. They're called "Novella" because some genius over at Champion was all, "By George! I have a novel idea! We'll start with a Michelin, ok? And then I'll skin my Persian cat! Leather, check! Fur, check!" Listen, they may ward off winter, but you can count on dining alone and holding your own hand at the movies, because these boots also ward off phone numbers. NEXT!



Cleats of the slip on variety. These give traction but provide nothing in the style/warmth department, plus you'll look like a giant dork. Winter fail.




I'm wearing these in public, right? Bless you cute little angels with small calves, pray tell; where are the extenda-calf pink striped boots? Muffin top on my calf wasn't the look I was going for, really.



Light pink fake Uggs. I mean, they're ok. But *sigh* I want something a little more fantastic. Something that makes people stop and go, "Those are terrific!" and not "I own those in every color! (You fashion failure.)"

I have plenty of pink scarves in every material, pink gloves, pink hats, pink coats, pink sweaters... where, OMW and friends, are my pink boots? My feet are freezing, the snow banks are growing and icy pavement is patiently waiting to take me out (on my) back.

On the bright side, at least I don't have to plug in my car.