Monday, November 30, 2009

Ever Forward, Ever Faithful

You're so glad you missed it, if in fact you did miss it. I'll be brief. We broke up. I lost it, like LOST. IT. I've parted ways with so many things in the past two months that I finally hit rock bottom with a thunderous thump. It was nasty. Flu-like symptoms, felt like my body was being ripped from the inside out into several thousands of pieces, status updates that all but screamed suicide. It was just dark and gloomy. And I'm not dark and gloomy, not even close. That sort of intense emotion has to come out somehow, somewhere. And girl, did it! Thinking of new ways to say I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm lonely and I have no fucking clue what to do next is my way of coping sometimes. I didn't expect comment, in fact the attitude of inconsolable prohibited it, but the comments came anyway. Not ignored but not exactly taken for gospel either. Just knowing that somewhere out there someone else cared for my life was enough to keep me from googling my demise. So, here I am. All cried out. Finally. Sometimes asking the question aloud can give an answer you weren't expecting. "What am I going to do?" in a desperate plea will often awaken a part of the mind that can't hear your inner shouting, it simply doesn't have ears. The hour struck defeat and the resilient feline in my soul landed on her feet. Life brought me another closed door, the fourth (or 247th) in 2 months. And then God handed me an ax. A beautiful, weighty hot pink ax. And He said, "Ok. Now chop. And start with the door of opportunity, that door will provide the keys to open these other doors."

He's so smart, God. After application maybe and application fail, application no response and application doom, I'm abandoning a path that was taking me nowhere but from one small salary to the next. I'm going back to school. To learn some new skills and to hone some others. My declared major is English Literature and will include another when God tells me what that is.

He's got a plan and I woke up this morning knowing in my bones that somewhere between falling apart and my 7 hours of peaceful (success!) sleep last night, God had employed me with this task. As mom says, "Baby steps." Starting with my new job as a caregiver for the elderly and with the application to a really great community college, declaring a major and leaving the details to God. Chicago is still in my future. Cafe Kallay is not a realization gone to steam and dust. But they are on hold until I am fully equipped to take them on. The new path gives me a better opportunity to make money to save for those dreams. Hardest realization yet? You can bet your life on that. But I also understand now that God is trying to fill my boxes again. My confidence, my self worth, my knowledge, my faith, my, dare I say it, hope, and my love, which will come last, and I'm ok with that right now. God does not want me to end up an empty shell of a person who only needs money and possessions to make them happy. He knows this has never been in my spirit. He knows my priorities and my goals, my passions and my needs and none of these list money at the top.

He has provided me with a position to help people in their greatest hours of need which will not only cure my thirst for charitable contribution but also my bank account's recession. (insert clicked "LIKE" button here) He brought me into a family that supports, loves and nurtures one another even though we are all very different people. He has given me the ability to forgive, but also to forget. He has given me the ability to laugh at myself, my situations and at yours too! He has made me resilient, kind, friendly, talented and faithful. He has also made me humble, defeated and with absolutely no choice but to need help. A lesson in humility is a lesson in gratitude. I'm talking about the simple, unexpected acts of kindness given purely and without expectation which happen very rarely but are the ones to be most thankful for. A gift given with a selfish heart is not a gift at all. (And to be clear, I am not talking about monetary loans.) He has given me friends on which to rely and to nurture and to grow with. Amazing people with great talent and perseverance and intelligence; with laughter in their souls and others on their minds. Truly unselfish people. For all of these things I am thankful and humbled beyond measure.

So, we move forward, with lots of questions unanswered and many baby steps to go. A new map to explore and old boxes to fill. I know this to be true, God has a plan and His plan is better than my own, to seek God is to seek Greatness and I'd rather be armed with His Great Plan than my own uncertain one.


sarah said...

this is very deep, kallay, and thought provoking to say the least (i would phrase it better than that, but i'm tired and if you read my blog from today.. it's been a long one) but i think you're making a wonderful decision and you know what? this may just be the step you need right now. remember to get in touch with me if you wanna talk. xoxo and all that junk. good night!

Allyson said... rallied. Way to go, girlfriend!! And most often the best way to do that, is just to go in a totally different direction. I know that you feel a certain kind of peace because I have felt the same way after making a decision that didn't seem likely but just kept occurring to me. You seem to be well on your way to landing on your feet. Well done.

Amy Blogs Chow said...

Hi, Kallay. My best friend always told me: "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. In the end, the race is long, and it's only with yourself." Those words always cheer me when I'm down, but it certainly helps to have a hot pink ax to pave the way. Carry on, friend!