Friday, September 5, 2008

it's hard to ignore

i shouldn't even look. but i can't help it. it's hard to ignore.

all i can think of is that i should have trusted my gut when i told him i had a bad feeling about us. i knew it then and my body warned my heart but we didn't listen.

how could i have been so stupid to think that we would ever work out? i'm too good and he's too bad. he throws money around like it's love and throws love around like a noose.

he cheated. and that sucks. i'm kind of over the whole being cheated on thing. it's been one too many times this time. i already knew though. deep down. i confronted him. not like it makes any difference to confront a liar. the good news for me is that i know when someone is lying. the bad news is that i often go against my better judgment and then get burned.

unfortunately i'm finding i can't let it go. i feel like i was betrayed and the stubborn bitch in me wants revenge. and ANSWERS. god wouldn't that be great if someone ripped your heart out and then ran back and went "oh, by the way, it was nothing personal, i just needed a solid girl to get by until i found my next adventure. so thanks!" i mean, at least it's a truthful explanation.

the only comfort i have right now is that i know he will do it to her too. she's just as guilty as he is. i mean it's the army... some of the girls are known for their slutty ways. she knew he had a serious girlfriend. so i guess she can wear her whore badge with real pride now! she'll fall for him though. he's a con man that way. and then he'll drop her like a bag of rocks when he's done with her and move on to his next watering hole. he'll wait until he can give her his "i love you but i'm not in love with you" speech that he doesn't even understand. he likes to twist the knife. he likes it when women beg for him. fall for him. pine for him. so when he drops them he can leave them in a heap without guilt. after all it's the woman's fault for falling in love right?

guys like this are what ruin it for the good guys. wanna know why? because these guys come off as the good guy. after meeting a few of these "good guys" we tend to splash away from the "good guys" and just go for the straight up assholes. i mean, at least we can skip the bullshit right? he's a jerk on the first date and second and third... but at least he's consistent. you're never confused. that's for sure. and if you're smart you won't fall in love. so there's less chance of getting hurt. of course i'm kidding...

in all honesty though... guys like him DO ruin it for the good guys. a girl can only be burned so many times before she just wants to be stone cold. i'm not there. yet. i'm probably too forgiving to ever be there. but it does limit the chances for the good guys. and this is why...

every time i get hurt. every time i get cheated on. lied to. treated below my standards... i get pickier. picky means that some of the good guys get weeded out along with the assholes. it could be for a stupid reason like... he drives a red car! or his jeans are too short. or he looks too much like HIM. but they're weeded out none the less.

the funny thing about being picky for me is that when someone asks me what i want... i can't tell them because i have NO idea. i haven't met him yet. so how do i know what he's like? i say i want someone funny and responsible but what if my perfect match is a drone and doesn't believe in to do lists? really!

so... all i can say is... sorry to the good guys. fuck off to the assholes. and love is a meat grinder, so watch your fingers.

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