Wednesday, December 3, 2008

about a run....

my lungs feel like the seven dwarfs went mining.

my legs feel like a fat man sat on them.

and why is it that every time i exercise i always want taco bell when i'm done?

and a nap.


but i did it! i ran! for 15 minutes! (shut up!)

by next month i will be running my full 25 again. by my birthday my ass will be smaller and my lungs will be in love with me. maybe they'll even send flowers. with a note! dear person, we are so happy to be breathing campfire-free air again. at first we resisted the heavy breathing regimen you embarked upon but now we really do enjoy the extra fresh air! we love you! sincerely, lungs

see? i have something to look forward to. until then, i will just enjoy the suck-fest and keep on truckin'. there's this hill at the end of my run, my goal is to be able to run up that snotty bitch by my birthday. sort of like a happy birthday hooray! although, the plan is to be in savannah drinking lots and lots of greenish beer that day. but if i do it before i leave i can still count it as a present from myself.

i was only kind of scared while running. the path is in the woods. it's gorgeous and mostly people free. i will take pictures next time i go out there. i have to say... there's this weird little sign on this bridge i ran by. it definitely made my eyes bug out a millimeter or five. then i started to get a little freaked out. looking around me thinking that every squirrel noise was a mass murderer who wanted to rape and stash me in the field somewhere. every bird noise was a crazed man about to jump in front of my path. after a while i came across a mommy dressed in pink with a baby carriage. then i saw a short little old asian lady. and a really old guy with radio headphones that could pass for ear muffs. i felt a little safer after that.

moments later, my running alarm went off and scared the ever livin' out of me. and i reverted back to figuring out how to text 911 to roomie without looking. and "locate my body with the GPS from my phone". that was a little harder. going through the motions of trying to hide my phone in my underwear so my nonexistent attacker wouldn't know i had my phone went sort of like this. (only mentally... i never tried it) my running jacket is reversible so there are zippers on both sides of the pockets. (see, this story is exactly why people like me should run on treadmills) so i was thinking if someone came upon me, i could nonchalantly unzip my left pockets, reach over to the right pocket, unzip it and retrieve the cellular phone. text my stealth message to roomie. slip the phone down my pants into the underwear. (this would only work if the attacker was not planning on rape. if he was, i'd be fucked... i guess literally and figuratively.. anyway...) then i could keep on running. hopefully roomie would understand the importance of the text. and i just keep on running until the attacker strikes.

i realize my mind is sick and twisted. i can't afford a gym membership though so to the woods i go! now do you understand why i am afraid of the dark? you wouldn't BELIEVE all the villains that live in my closet after i turn off the light. it's ridiculous how they all crowd in there like that.

anyway, i ran. i hurt. yo quiero taco bell.

the end.


The Unhappy Waitress said...

I just read about 6 of your posts and I absolutely love them. You write like I think.

hilarious. thanks.

sarah said...

see, just reading that sends chills down my spine. running, ugh. and with black lung. ouch. kudos, sister. lord knows my lungs wouldn've made it.

Maki said...

I fully respect people who run even for 15 mins.

I go to the gym 3 - 5 times a week, but running is more gutsy thing..

Fun post and I loved it!

Rebecca said...

I miss running. Ah the joys of pregnancy. lol Am I the only one who is counting down the days to go on a 12 mile run? I must be sick in the head. lol