my self control is on sabbatical until further notice. it left a note somewhere, but i can't find it. somewhere between the heartbreak and frustration, but i don't have time to look for it.
so how do i know, you ask? well on a normal (whatever that is) day, my emotions are in check. my face shows nothing other than a (sometimes fake) smile, and customers/friends would never know that life has skipped the tracks and is crashing into a fiery inferno. lately though... i believe that i am wearing my frustration. my face is no longer a concrete wall, it is now a cinematic adventure of my current mood. not sure who turned on the reel but i just don't have the energy to conceal my thoughts or feelings.
case in point... new girl. she makes me sigh. not the relaxed outpouring of breath that releases your shoulders from your ears... no, it's the "is it 3 o clock yet?" sigh. the "get out of my fucking way." sigh. the "you suck at life." sigh. apparently i am not the only one that is frustrated but i am not the one in control, so the only thing i can do is glue my mouth shut and work. this is getting increasingly difficult.
due to self control's apparent vacation, my tongue seems to be having a hay day with the snark. i can't help the bitey ridiculous comments. i'm itching for a pink slip. i can't even lie to a customer about a drink. my face is 100% transparent. a young guy came up to the counter and asked me about a specific drink and if i liked it. my long pause and eyes flickering downward gave him the automatic response of "ok, you hate it!" i didn't even say a word! my billboard face gave me away. what a trader! i mean... why would my self control leave me during the holidays? great timing nimrod!
i've also been wearing a lot of drinks lately. i think self control took what was left of my grace with it. i am tripping, bruising, dropping stuff, missing the target, wearing drinks, and stuttering. these are all things that happen on a consistent basis, but just not usually quite to the extent where i wonder if i should even be walking much less driving a vehicle. i had the nickname "Grace" when i was little because my clutzy ways battled that of a newborn deer. now, a full grown adult, my bike crashing days are over, but the clutzdom continues. i was carrying dishes out of the back room the other day and when i stack them i usually put a cup on top with the knives and forks in it. it saves a trip. so i'm leaving the backroom, i tripped on air and about poked my eye out with the handle end of a fork. upon reaching the counter i opened the door onto my shin, bent down to put the plates in the cabinet and knocked my head on the counter. so within one minute, i not only practically blinded and bruised myself but i also gave myself potential brain damage. beat that bambi.
i'm sure it's the holidays. the constant stress over money, love, and life suck. it's probably a little bit of insomnia mixed with dehydration and caffeine push. not to mention uncomfortable shoes. it'll be over in 31 days. 2009 will arrive and my life will cut right and my planets will hopefully align themselves in a better sequence. the holidays will be behind me, BIRTHDAY in front of me and my self control will be back from vacation. and if not, God help me.
so what are you wearing?