(i don't do disclaimers. but you have been disclaimed. i'm venting. and it might get ugly.)
i'm in a bad mood.
but it's not like a bad mood where i'm throwing milk, slamming doors (ok i did slam a door last night), and yelling at people. no, i'm just kind of slowly slipping into this weird funk. i'm not really sure why. maybe it's the holidays. maybe it's the fact that i am single and don't want to be. it's not THAT so quit thinking it. that was last week. maybe it's just the epitome of 2008. i'm just supposed to sink into a depression for the next month and a half until *ding ding* it's 2009? i'm really not sure. what i do know is, i have had a headache for three days. a real one. not the whiney "oh i have a headache, i'm going to take advil" kind that we all get from time to time. my chest hurts. kind of in the same general vicinity as where my heart is. and people are pissing me off. all of them. if you have two eyes, a nose and a soul, you are aggravating me.
and here's why....
1. i park on the road because i don't want to walk past freaky old guy and weird young guy late at night in the dark with no lights on. i am *afraid* of the dark. parking in my area makes me have to face my fear. i don't want to face my fear at 11:30 at night after i have just cleaned up an entire pond of dirty mop bucket water that i dumped all over the damn floor. i want to park in my space. walk to my door(s), unlock alcatraz and be in pj's in 2.5 seconds flat. i don't want an adrenaline rush. i don't want my life to flash before my eyes. i just want to go HOME. so park in the grass asshole.
2. i am an intelligent, hardworking woman. you do not need to leave me lists. you do not need to explain how to clean refrigerators. you do not need to answer my yes/no question with a paragraph-long explanation. you do not need to schedule me for closing shifts when i am the happiest morning person you have. you do not need to give me all the shifts you don't want to work. you do not need to tell me you have a life outside of work. you do not need to tell me you are a full time student when you are taking one class. in fact, you don't need to tell me anything. i just want you to go away. far and away.
3. i am not a child. do not speak to me like one. i don't have curfews, i moved away from my family so i could do what i wanted without having to explain my every direction. i can eat with utensils. i can drive a car, very well in fact. i have a bank account. i am old enough to know better. i am not your special project. i am not stupid. i might be goofy and play the dumb one at times, but i assure you that my mind is in full working order.
4. i am surrounded by people who think they are better than me. some of them even *know* it.
5. i am every man's rag doll. throw me around. toss me to the ground. love me when they need it. forget me when they don't. but i'm always there. sitting in the cupboard waiting to be loved. i cherish every minute when i am and wait patiently when i am not. all alone. with my yellow yarn hair, my big blue button eyes and my sewn on smile. always happy on the outside, but filled with dirty fuzz on the inside. sitting in the dark. or lying there haphazardly thrown into the cupboard when something better came along. ya know... he was in a hurry. i don't worry though, he'll come back. besides, i like lying here with my right leg behind my head and my left arm curled under my left leg.
6. fuck you bank account.
7. i used to feel like i had style. now i just hope my clothes smell clean and aren't too wrinkled. it's a good day when the fashion fairy allows my jeans to come up over my ass and zip or when i find a shirt that fits over my boobs and doesn't hug my tum tum. i'm not even going to get into the depression that is currently plaguing my shoe collection. i can tell you it pisses me off.
8. i'm sorry hercules and maddie. i wish you had more.
9. a cappuccino has foam and i hope you drown in it.
10. my hair is in dire need. of color. of style. of conditioner. but that costs money and we covered that in #6. my eyebrows i can do myself.
11. ever look in the mirror and get pissed off? just looking at yourself in the eyes disgusts you? maybe not, but i'm there. i'm disappointed in myself. i don't even want to look.
12. give me your license. all of you. i have been pulled out in front of more times this week than i can count on a calculator. there is a lot of life flashing this week what with walking alone in the dark and you dumb ass people aiming your cars. blinkers are not accessories. brakes are not your gas pedal. the world is not your speedway. and for christ's sake, you only need one parking spot. that's a 4 not a 2. move it. do your makeup at home. READ YOUR BOOK in a parking lot, not on the freeway. some people can talk and drive, some people can text and drive... you can not.
13. i think that i have entered the phase of "quit is a four letter word" when it comes to smoking. i want a cigarette. not because i like the taste. i know it's bad for me. but i am depressed and a cigarette would make me feel better.
14. maybe it is the holidays. people gushing about their families. cooking for their families. something i love to do, but can't and won't this year. christmas is looking grim too.
15. i'm tired. of trying. of being so honest. of getting hurt. of feeling lonely. of being afraid. of being put down easily. i'm just tired of it all. tired of feeling like a bug. small and annoying.
this year has been one thing after another. i'm floating around on a string trying to hold on. i keep telling myself it's only another month and a half and things will get better. they have to. right?
please say right.
please say that this torment will stop.