Monday, November 3, 2008

hallo - fucking - ween and mental revelations

well, this weekend was interesting!

it was bipolar if nothing else.

halloween was on friday, as everyone who doesn't stuff their face under a rock knows. i worked. nothing too exciting about that, mostly because it's the same ol', same ol'. clean this, make this, drink this, taste this, clean this again, rinse this, steam this, clock this. out. but i got out early! the plan was that teresa was getting in and sprite for my gin & tonic addiction, i was getting gatorade, coffee, and beer for our morning after party. (which is never really more than... vertical sucks and i hate my life. why did you let me drink that much? can you believe him!? coffee, gatorade, advil, beer.... in that order.) so i make my way back to *almost* downtown knox where we live, go to kroger's get a fucked up cart as always and proceed to shop for my MAP items. get to the register and realize we need ice, add a bag of ice and i'm out the door.

i knew what i was driving home to. teresa had called me about an hour earlier letting me know that *someone* had closed the wooden door. the wooden door to which we do NOT have a key. personally, i think it's ridiculous to have to unlock 3 doors to arrive safely home but whatever... alcatraz it is. so she called john the maintenance dude, russ, the landlord dude, and john tried calling trevor, the downstairs dude. no one could help so we called a locksmith. $65 later and we were finally home. well, $65 and one more door to unlock and we were home. we run up the stairs, drink some G&Ts and start the costume process. teresa takes a shower, kelsey shows up and we help him into his monk costume, and we are finally ready for makeup. i look up the youtube video so i can properly apply the ten loads of black eyeliner to my lids and begin. an hour later we are made up, dressed up, and buzzed up. where are dawn and adrian? they arrive shortly before allen our cab driver. the following is what ensued...









taxi allen serenaded me. we took pictures and arrived safely at hanna's. we drank, we danced, we took silly pictures. we had an all around great time. some nurse stepped on my foot and didn't apologize. i have a bruise to prove it. bitch. i stole someone's wings and then left them somewhere but i have photographic evidence that at one point in the evening i had wings! after this is when things got ugly. and not just woe is she... but just plain oooogly.









the fun was officially over. teresa was tired, dawna and adrian were no longer sober and i had spent $40 on booze. allen was on the other side of town and we had no way to get home. it was fuh-reezing. my alcohol consumption was starting to catch up with my brain cells, the world was a-spinnin', and i was pissed off. kelsey had opted out of our hanna's fun and had decided to head to valrium with his friend david. there is some back story on this but you'll really be ok not knowing about it. david was driving kelsey home and had been asked by kelsey to pretty pretty please come pick us up. well, david had to go get another friend first. ONE friend. david has more then one extra seat in his car. whatever, dude. at this point we are starting assume there is a girl involved and say fuck it. we'll find a cab. yeah... not really. not on halloween. and not in downtown knoxville. we had reserved a cab for 2:30 am but he didn't show. so we call allen again. meanwhile, teresa and i decide to head to the pizza place to stand inside since my dress barely covers my ass and is for sure not a winter coat. allen shows up! love him like air!

we get home and i am still seething from the whole david situation. it doesn't help that i am 100% drunk, my world is now one giant rollercoaster, and drunk and angry make me cry. so i go all crazy white girl on the apartment, slamming doors, getting water and slamming the fridge, go to my room and lay on my spinning bed. drink the whole bottle of water and am sleeping within minutes. the morning after party began at 9:30am when i woke up with my head split in two and my eyelids unable to open due to the tears vs. eyelash glue from the night before. i SLOWLY rise from the bed that has now stopped spinning thankfully and make my way down the hall to the bathroom. peel my eyelashes off, open my eyes, peel the contacts out of my eyeballs, and pee. sweet jesus i need advil. somehow locate the bottle on the dining room table, take 2, drink another entire bottle of water and fall back to sleep. 1:30pm rolls around and i text message teresa. "uuuugh." was all it said. and before her phone could even receive it, she was sitting on my bed with a quad shot caramel macchiato (extra caramel) from staryucks. best roomie... ever. i carefully pour the life giver into my mouth and swallow with pure delight.

5 minutes later we are on the couch rehashing the evening, looking at pictures and i am still pissed about david. we arrive at the conclusion that since we did not get a call back until 4 am that there was most definitely a girl involved and we wanted no further details thankyouverymuch.

saturday is do nothing but hang over day. we read, we ate taco bell (because taco bell is the only acceptable hang over food), we clean the house, and then we veg. nothing seemed like the only viable option for things to do on saturday night. i had to get up early sunday for work and we both felt like we'd run a marathon and won, so nothing is what we did. and it felt goood.

sunday morning i wake up all bright eyed and bushy tailed. head to work for inventory. leave at 9:30 am return home and get ready for the exciting adventure of restaurant review! i recently contacted a website to try and get published. i told them that i was interested in writing restaurant reviews and entertainment venue reviews from the view point of the new girl in town. i am after all, the knoxville rookie. i am in one of those "shut up you're too damn happy moods". i literally should have skipped to big fatty's for breakfast. it might have calmed me down. so we have an amazing brunch. complete with strawberry muffins and big fat biscuits which is basically the equivalent of a southern style eggs benedict. biscuits, smoked pork, gravy and over easy eggs on top. it's heaven on a shoney's blue plate special plate. coffee consumed, breakfast in my belly and we head home to our family farm. we run some errands, pick up some stuff at teresa's sister's house and jcpenney's and head home again. teresa is feeling more productive. she probably could have conquered the world. i did some laundry. watched a girlie movie. ate some chips and salsa and too much leftover halloween candy. and then for some reason my brain decided to let me know that i sucked and i had sort of a meltdown.

teresa and i talked about my revelation. basically it boils down to this... i am a glutton for punishment. i have a nasty habit of forgiving. forgiving people who might not deserve it, giving people second chances when they didn't even deserve a first one. i have a hard time letting go. i regret things mentally that on the outside i would never show. i am happy on the outside and scrambled on the inside. kind of like a breakfast burrito. so when the opportunity to talk things out and smooth things over comes along, i am the first one in line. unfortunately this condition is related to my relationships. i get burned a lot. or as i usually put it, i get mind fucked a lot. i get morse code messages. yes i like you, let's be friends, but just kidding i actually liked you. mind reader is not on my mental resume and unfortunately the guys that i date tend to feel like i should study up on clairvoyance. if they're not speaking in clear terms, like in english, i'm not going to get it. i don't take hints very well. i'm gullible as a child and this is what gets me into trouble. i also try too hard. i play hard to get but really, my heart is easily won. i'm a heart on my sleeve kind of girl. i will tell anyone anything anywhere. it's just how i am. i don't hide much. maybe my thighs but that's about it.

i think because so many people around me are happy in their relationships, i am wondering if i will ever have that. and instead of just letting it come to me (which requires that whole part of being patient thing that i totally suck at... waiting) i just go out and try to find it myself. if a guy i date is giving me the friend vibe... i move on. sorry charlie. i don't have time to waste. why spend time with someone who clearly isn't interested? (or at least to ME is clearly not interested.) i'm that annoying happily ever after seeker. the dreamer. the wishful-thinking, fairytale loving, softy. i've watched too many romantic comedies. i know this. i know this like i know how to make a killer latte.

it's a lot like christmas when you're 5. you see this beautiful barbie dream house. it's all decked out in pink and barbie swagger. you want it. no, you *need* it. it will help you make friends at school! it will be THE fixture of your room. and it's only $400! your mom HAS to understand that this dream house is not just a gift, it's a life changing object! in reality though $400 is a lot of money for pink plastic and cardboard. glittery stickers are included and it lights up but the batteries are extra. you're dreaming, princess, if you think that monster of a present is going to be under that tree on christmas morning. which is kind of like the relationships i tend to pursue. i want the grandiose romantic gestures. the kisses in the rain. the love notes on the pillow. and the carriage ride through central park. but in reality if a guy opens a door for you and doesn't tell you that you suck... you're probably doing alright. especially if he calls on a regular basis, lets you know where he's going to be and doesn't give you mixed signals. these are all good things.

the barbie dream house was not under the tree on christmas morning. but i did get a small pink cardboard doll house to play with and i loved it. it was good enough. even at that age, i learned to appreciate what i had. in relationships, i don't get the dream house, but i also don't get the good enough guy either. i get the mixed signals, the brush offs, the cheaters, the criminals, the assholes... you name it, i've dated it. so as i look around me and see all of these functioning relationships... i wonder if this is even attainable for me. i wonder if, when i meet the guy who will treat me like i am worth holding on to, i will be happy like that christmas morning. i wonder if good enough will suffice. or will i tell myself i can do better? that's kind of sick, but it's true. and sometimes the truth hurts. knowing this of myself can only help though. it can only help me realize when i'm asking too much. on the flip side of this, it will also help me stay away from the toxic men who have seriously but a damper on my love life. it will help me spot the rotten eggs before they spoil me. it will help me not to forgive so quickly and really be done when i say i'm done. leave without regret and realize when the end is really the end.

all that said, good luck to mr. good enough... wherever you are. i am (not so patiently) waiting for you.

2 comments:

sarah said...

wow, what a weekend you had. im sorry about the sad parts. they made me sad for you (though some sick part of my brain was kinda happy i wasn't the only one having a boy- and alcohol-induced temper tantrum that night). but one thing sticks out in my mind that i gotta say... reevaluate those "perfect" relationships you believe you're seeing. i guarantee they're not as pristine as they look. and i know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. but you knew that already. chin up, gorgeous.

kallay said...

i'm not saying they're perfect. lord knows i've heard the good and bad from them all. however, they do function. i'm old enough to know (thankfully) that nothing is perfect. but i'm worried that good enough is not enough for me. does that make more sense?