Wednesday, November 19, 2008

where's my shoe? (and other nic fits)

Day one is always the hardest. I quit the night before, smoking my last tube of death at 11:52 pm. Yesterday morning I woke up to the pitter patter of dachshund paws scurrying across the floor. Oh, it was 5:25 am by the way. My alarm was set for 5:30 am. So I got up, knowing that 5 extra minutes of sleep were not going to help me achieve this day. And that's when I started bouncing. Off the walls, off the chair, off the coffee pot... I had so much energy, I probably could (should) have stopped at one cup of coffee. I took a shower and prepared for work realizing, I STILL had no idea where my other black shoe was. And so begins my first nic fit. I am looking through laundry, clean clothes, in the closet about 5 times, bouncing like tigger on adrenaline through the house searching for my shoe. Lifting up couches, looking in dead closets (the ones where nothing lives but you look anyway in case the lost item wandered in there without realizing), I was absolutely on a rampage. I looked in the closet one more time, this time with the light on and found it cuddled up nicely with my purple fuzzy slipper. Aw. FOUND IT!

Happy to have located my work shoe, I began to wander around the house, which literally translates to me pacing rapidly from room to room unable to decide what to do with myself. I sat down at the table while Teresa checked her email and wiggled like a 3 year old that has to pee. She looked over the computer screen with contempt in her eyes and went back to reading. I decided cereal would be a good option here. For one thing, I haven't eaten real breakfast in a long time. Brunch doesn't count. And it would probably keep my hands and mouth busy for a few minutes anyway. So I poured myself a bowl of Smart Start and sat contentedly at the table eating my cereal like a good girl. Quitting smoking raises my energy levels to that of a 5 year old. So yesterday I was in a cereal eating contest and finished my bowl in record time.

Now what? I finished getting ready for work, popped in a piece of nicotine gum and teresa and i were off to the races. me, vibrating all the way to work. the one day i need there to be good music on the radio or *something* to entertain me, they play slow ballads and songs no one has ever heard nor does anyone want to. i arrive at work 15 minutes early. fabulous. but not actually fabulous. because now i have to sit here.

so i'm sitting there... shaking. looking frantically around the car for something to do. i see quite a lot of crap. i decide to make a list.

what to do at lunch:

1. stop shaking. oh wait...

1. clean out car. that's better..

2. read book, if i can stop wiggling long enough to read the words.

3. eat slow. i might as well cross this one off because i can't do anything slow at the moment.

4. talk on the phone.

5. chew gum like a cow.

i finish my list and walk into work feeling great that i am a quitter. i should wear a name tag... hello my name is: quitter, i am so proud. i open the cafe in record time. 9 am, doors open and i don't have a single customer until 10 am. this is another instance where God thinks he's funny so he tests my limits of tenacity by making me bored to see if i can stand the energy literally pulsating through my veins. making me feel like i might explode kallay parts all over the cafe if i don't find something, ANYTHING to do. so i cleaned. i cleaned syrup racks, i wiped off counters, i wrapped sandwiches, i windexed glass, i organized papers, i did dishes, i filled anything that needed to be filled. i'm afraid i might have frightened the first customer i had. "HELLO!!!!!! Welcome to the 2nd Really Big Bookstore!!! WANT SOME COFFEE!!!??? COOKIE??? DO YOU LIKE CAFFEINE? I love caffeine. I also love reading, walking on the beach, your purse, and my dog. Do you have any animals?" *crazy wide smile with eyeballs bulging out* is what happened next i'm sure. i took some really deep breaths. all day. i just could not stand or sit still. i am a human vibrator when quitting smoking.

i did clean my car out at lunch though. i talked to kerry too. i couldn't read, the words were moving around too fast. i chewed my gum. nothing is working though. i just have to wait for this to be over.

it's funny how you get so used to smoking when you're doing certain things. morning for me was always coffee and cigarettes. checking email... smoking. driving... smoketastic! big meals... always have a cigarette afterward. take the dogs out? time to smoke! it's hard to re-program your brain. i'll be sitting in the car and i'll reach for my purse and i'll forget what i was looking for and realize... i was looking for my cigarettes. i'll be checking my email and wondering what's missing or drinking coffee and wonder why i can taste it. smoking is more than just a bad habit for your body but it's a bad habit for your life! it infiltrates itself like a virus in a computer and you are suddenly having to relearn how to function with out it. and it's so damn hard! i don't want to smoke because i am really enjoying the fresh air. but i just don't know what to do with myself.

teresa has to watch me bouncy ball myself around the apartment. i'm driving her batty bonkers. i talk about a million miles an hour. and poor hercules has never been pet so fast in all his life. i'm just BURSTING at the seams!! it's absolutely ridiculous to watch.

i did finally lay down last night and go to sleep... after my foot stopped moving to the beat of a woodpecker.

now i'm awake and having to make another game plan. it's day two. i have a meeting today. i hope i don't scare them walking in there all Doc Brown muttering to myself about time travel. i'm unsure of how i am going to handle nervous energy on top of the already ridiculous amount of whatever this is when i go in there.

perhaps heels might be a bad idea today?


iTeresa said...

boing boing boing goes me - the great teresa from lack of nicotine.....

sarah said...

oh kallay.. i have faith in you. and you have to do it so when i attempt to quit again i can say "kallay did it. and kallay's a lot like me. she's cool shit. and she wasn't a pussy about quitting. so stop being a pussy, sarah." (i've already started working on this speech in my head if you can't tell)